How to Lose Your Dream Home Not Just Once, But Twice

Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and pretend I am not living this life because this is not what I had expected, yet, this is what I prayed for.   

Between being sick for so many years and now this?  The home being lost, again!   

The Lord had asked me to revisit my dreams, to live in my home once again only to have it taken away again.  My emotions fought with my spirit.  I didn’t want to question Him because I KNOW He knows what is best for me.

Let me tell you a story about,  How to Lose Your Dream Home Not Just Once But Twice.  It’s a ridiculous story, but a true one nonetheless and I can’t wait to share it with you so you can find God in the midst of your own hardships (and sometimes absurdities) of your life.

It was March of 2010 when we received the first notice from the Bank that our home was going to be sold on the courthouse steps (foreclosed upon) on April 6^th.  So we moved out and moved into a rental.  We were very blessed for our rental home and we were content there.  We had no desire to move back to our dream home on Ashbury Lane (nor did we think it was ever a possibility), instead we looked ahead to our future with hope.  That chapter of our book was now closed, we thought.  

April through August of 2010 we were able to pay our bills.  Praise the Lord!  For 5 months we were just getting by.  My health was improving and I felt wonderful.  Perhaps there was a light at the end of the tunnel after all? 

Until I turned the page of my book to September, where a visit to the Urgent Care cost us almost $400.00.  A boy's hand with a sliced finger that needed stitches was the reason.  Having no health insurance we relied on the Lord to provide, and of course He did.  But would we have enough money to pay our rent, was the thought that ran through my mind?

I continued to read on until October came.  It was during that time that my beloved was rushed to Emergency.  An EKG was ordered because of a low heart rate and a Cat Scan later revealed a kidney stone.  Thousands of dollars are now owed to the hospital, yet thankful for a healthy husband.

I now become hesitant to turn the page to November.  What's next?  Can we afford to pay rent?  The escrow my husband had been working on for months still had not closed, which meant he wouldn't get paid.  We were told by the Lender that it would close before Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving came and went but with no paycheck.  Our landlord was so gracious to us and told us to pay him when the escrow closed.  He also showed up with a small Christmas tree for our boys, in addition to gift cards for them to buy Christmas presents.  We were blown away by his generosity, empathy and compassion.  In the meantime, the property on Ashbury Lane, (my dream home) still had not sold on the courthouse steps.  The Bank kept postponing the sale of our home but we didn't understand why.  In our minds it didn't really matter to us because it wasn't like we were going to move back there. Or so we thought!

I started to think I was reading a book on horror when I came across the pages of December.  Week after week the escrow still had not closed.  In the meantime my Beloved is doing everything he can to make money to feed us and to keep the utilities on, yet some were disconnected.  Plus, it's been raining and my boy has holes in the bottom of his shoes and his socks are now getting wet.  We hardly have any money and what we do have is for food.  Jesus will provide, I tell my son.  We continue to pray for the Lord to meet our needs. 

My Beloved husband feels like a failure.  I hold him and tell him that the Lord has a plan in all of this.  “Don’t lose hope, I say.  God is moving and working on our behalf.” 

I try to encourage and affirm who he is, “Regardless of your decisions and where ever they take us, do not doubt yourself because God has anointed you as the head of the household.  I will be by your side every step of the way.”  

With tears in his eyes, he says to me, “I am like water to his thirsty soul,”

“It is not I that quenches your thirst, but the Lord, I remind him.”  Jesus replied, "If you only knew the gift God has for you and who you are speaking to, you would ask me, and I would give you living water."  John 4:10

It broke my heart to see my Knight in Shining Armor so defeated in all of this.  I couldn’t fix his problem but what I could do was pray for him and our situation and try to have a good attitude as we endured this difficult time.

The sale of the Ashbury property has now been postponed yet another month.  We receive a certified letter from the Bank.  After a phone call is made to them, they inform us that we could qualify for a loan modification but we had to be living in our property (seeing how the Bank had yet to foreclose upon our house back in April like they had told us, the home was still considered our property).  We had no desire to pack up all of our belongings and move back because we knew we would never qualify for the loan modification, plus the home could be foreclosed upon the next month!  We were hopeful that the Lord would provide for us financially so we could just stay in our rental. 

Things we owned were being sold on either Craigslist or Ebay so we would have money for food.  “God will provide all our needs”, was a constant reminder in our household. 

Our boys were told not to expect any Christmas presents from us this year because we didn’t have any money for toys.  “I am sorry boys, but you won’t be getting any Legos this year,” I said. 

It was a tough December for us.  At the beginning of the Christmas season I wrote a short e-book called, Strengthening Your Child’s Faith at Christmas and I posted a link to it on Facebook.  Unfortunately, a family member of mine decided to smear my name on Facebook because of my Christian faith which he was (and still is) hostile towards.  I sobbed.  I was so tired of being persecuted by my family for my faith. “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”  Matthew 5:10 

A few days later we hear from the neighbor kids that their parents don’t like me.  In fact, they tell our kids that their parents can’t stand us and we would probably sue them for all sorts of ridiculous reasons.  What!  That’s odd to hear, seeing how we hardly spoke to them! It still hurt my feelings.  “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”

Even though I knew what the Bible had to say and I knew we were under attack by the Enemy it was becoming more increasingly difficult to bear.  How much longer Lord?  When will the storms let up?

New Year’s Eve we decided to drive over to the Ashbury home to see the condition that it was in.  I remember that day well and it is still painful to think about it.  As others were out celebrating and ringing in the New Year with hope, I couldn’t help but think we were probably moving back to the home and enduring another move filled with even more uncertainty.  Life did not look hopeful at this time, in fact, it looked downright depressing.

After a 10 month period, what we saw was a dismal sight:

Weeds around the yard that were at least 3 feet tall

Grass, bushes and trees that were either dead or on the verge of dying due to lack of water

Our once beautiful pool was now devoid of crystal blue water; instead it was filled with trash, debris and rain water. 

We unlocked our front door and stepped into the dust covered house.  I looked around to what was once filled with many memories... birthday parties, Christmas celebrations, friends, family, fellowship. I couldn’t help but question why would the Lord bring us back to this place?  Not only was the home a depressing sight, but we soon realized that our home had been broken into as the back doors were busted and left wide open and banging in the wind.  Dust covered everything.  There was minor vandalism and theft as well.  More sorrow and pain were added to my heart that day.  Along with more work because I had to clean the place!  Could the Lord really bring us back here, I thought?

My Beloved...dismayed, disheartened and downcast.

I wanted to stop reading this book but I didn’t have a choice.  So I turned the page to January 2011, where I received more bad news.   One morning I discovered that there was something wrong with my car.  Later my Beloved takes a look at it and he said I would never believe what was wrong with it.  My response, “I would believe anything at this moment based on how our lives have been.”  He informed me that someone stole the catalytic converters off of the car.  I laughed (my other option was to cry).  That was clearly the enemy wanting to discourage us.  No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is from Me," says the LORD.  Isaiah 54:17  We later find out that parts alone for the car would cost us $3500.00.  That wasn’t in our budget!

Seeing how we had little money and the escrow still had not closed, we felt we had no other choice but to make the move back to our home on Ashbury Lane.  It was a daunting and miserable time of a move, to say the least.

Although I wanted to curl up in the fetal position and just cry, it would serve me no good.  I had a home to pack, a family to care for, my health to manage, and a ministry to run.

We got all of our things into the home around January 23^rd and the sale date of the property was scheduled for Feb. 9^th.  Less than 3 weeks and we might have to move again. 

Should I unpack our things? I thought.

What would that teach our boys?  Would my actions show them that I was trusting in Jesus if I left our things in boxes?  Or did these young souls need to see my actions showing them that I trusted in the Christ?

The Lord made it clear,  “Take your boys to Me.  Show them that you trust Me.”  He said.

So I unpacked our home knowing full well that we may have needed to get out in less than 30 days.   Yet, it wasn’t until 7 months later that we moved. 

So, we have now officially moved out of our dream house, not just once, but twice!  

At the beginning of this post I said, "this is what I prayed for", and this is what I meant by that:

 

My desire and prayer over the years that I have walked with Christ is to be closer to Him, to know Him more and to filled with His glorious presence. 

His answer: Daughter, you will lose your home…again, and you will move…again.  It will be exhausting, painful and difficult.  You will cry in anguish and you will doubt and question Me.  You will live in uncertainty and you will long for stability, but the stability that you long for is false.  I am all you need.

This is what I prayed for and it hurts (my flesh), yet my spirit sings.

But the best part of the story is yet to come!  Join me soon for Part 2 where I will tell you of the many miracles that God did during that time on our behalf!  

Plus, I will share with you what I learned about allowing God to be the main character of my story/my life, rather than me being the 'leading lady'.

 
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Before the Rooster Crows Part 2

David, Peter, and Paul, mighty men of God, who were determined to live for Jesus Christ, were men that resonated with my spirit. Whether it was their personalities or their passion for the Lord, I have been drawn to them over the years as I have read the Scriptures. I have viewed them as warriors for Christ. Many times as I would turn the pages of my Bible and read about their lives, I would often identify with them and learn from them. They would speak to my soul. However, years ago when I was new in Christ, I did not understand how Peter could have denied the Lord after all the time he spent with Jesus in the flesh! Peter was so devoted to Christ, and so it just did not make any sense to me as to Why or How he could deny the One True God. I thought to myself, "I would never deny the Lord," unfortunately, many years later I did, and Jesus Christ taught me a few things in the process.

Before the rooster crows, you will deny Me.

If you did not get the chance to read about my despair and inward denial of Christ, you can read it here at, Before the Rooster Crows Part 1.

We all know the story of Peter's denial. "Jesus said to him, "Assuredly, I say to you that this night, before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times." Matthew 26:34 "And Peter remembered the word of Jesus who had said to him, "Before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times." So he went out and wept bitterly." Matthew 26:75

Shortly after that passage, I read about how Jesus asked Peter if he loved him, three times. "So when they had eaten breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me more than these?" He said to Him, "Yes, Lord; You know that I love You." He said to him, "Feed My lambs."  He said to him again a second time, "Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me?" He said to Him, "Yes, Lord; You know that I love You." He said to him, "Tend My sheep." He said to him the third time, "Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me?" Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, "Do you love Me?" And he said to Him, "Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You." Jesus said to him, "Feed My sheep.  John 21:15-17

"Feed My lambs.  Tend My sheep.  Feed My sheep."  Those words leaped off the page when I read them back in 1997.  My heart quickened and I realized that was something that I wanted to do!  What I did not know at the time was that God was going to take me through tumultuous storms and deep dark valleys for many years so He could prepare me to do just that…Feed His Sheep.

God has a specific purpose for each one of His children and sometimes it means that life will be filled with much suffering as we go through the sanctification process.  His molding and shaping of our lives can be very painful and difficult but He is making us more effective for His purpose and His glory.  As He was preparing to use me, my preparation came through long-suffering, persecutions, spiritual attacks, broken relationships, etc…in other words, Christ used PAIN AND HEARTACHE to shape me so He could use me.  "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.  But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."  James 1:2-4 

So what is the sanctification process?  The word sanctify means: 

1. To set apart for sacred use; consecrate.

2. To make holy; purify.

God is setting all of His children apart so we can be used by Him.  Through a difficult time in my life, He was purifying me.  Here is something I did not realize at the time of my despair and denial two years ago.  I was in the midst of a spiritual attack, but this time was very different from other attacks that I had experienced over the years.  This one was stealth-like and it came out of nowhere and played with my emotions.  Now, what is so ironic and somewhat moronic on my part is that for many years I would counsel women and tell them that the Gospel message is not based on emotions.  Here is my own counsel, given over and over, yet I could not discern my own problem.  The attack lingered for weeks as the enemy was slowing breaking down my faith.  I felt oppressed and I was deceived.  Satan was gunning for me and he wanted to take me down.  Over time, the Lord lifted me out of that pit and He has since restored me.  The entire experience was about 6-8 weeks out of my life.  I did not dwell on my failure because Satan would have wanted that to happen, instead, I looked to the Cross for forgiveness and restoration.  "There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit."  Romans 8:1  Jesus doesn't condemn us but Satan does.

He uncovers deep things out of darkness.

So, here comes a piece of the puzzle that is so from the Lord and I just had to share it with you!  As I was preparing to write this post, I re-read the passage of Scripture regarding Peter's denial and I came across this verse,  And the Lord said, "Simon, Simon! Indeed, Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat.  "But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren."  Luke 22:31-32   

Now, let me show you some of the 'Whys'.  Here was the 'Why' of Peter's denial.  Satan asked to go after Peter and take him down.  The Lord allowed Satan to attack him.  The Lord went on further to say, I have prayed that your faith should not fail you...(but He knew it would), because it says right here in God's Word, "when you have returned to Me."  Jesus knew that Peter was going to deny Him.  Jesus knew that I was going to deny Him as well.  Let me show you another "Why" or should I say the purpose of the denial.  So Peter could strengthen the brethren.  Did you catch all of that?  I hope you did!  I was SO EXCITED when the Lord pointed that out to me.  In my brokenness I did not understand 'why' I experienced all that I went through and in His perfect timing He revealed it to me, it just happened to be two years later.  He uncovers deep things out of darkness, and brings the shadow of death to light.  Job 12:22

As you recall in part 1 of this post, I, too, denied the Lord like Peter.  Satan was sifting me as wheat as well.  The Lord sent a stranger to intercede on my behalf to strengthen my faith because it was failing.  Not only did He send one intercessor, but He sent another one in the weeks that followed.  This intercessor I knew.  She is a beloved woman who embodies the love, grace and mercy of Jesus; in fact it oozes from her!  As I spoke with her and shared my struggles regarding my faith, the Lord used her to shower His unconditional love upon me.  In time, my faith was starting to grow again and I was getting back up on my feet so I could continue to follow Him.

Since I got saved back in 1996, I always wanted to be used by the Lord and offer my life up to Him, hence the title of this blog.  Remember too, I wanted to feed His sheep!  Two years ago, when I went through that despair, I could not see what my life would be like today.  I did not know that God was preparing me to go out and minister to others as I blog about my life story of pain and heartache.  (I did not even have a blog two years ago!)  I am humbled and honored that He has chosen to take me through all of that misery, heartache, and afflictions so I could draw closer to Him and ultimately so I could by used by Him to strengthen the brethren; those whose faith is failing and weakening and those who are hurting.  Perhaps it takes one broken vessel to know another one!

God is putting together the pieces of your puzzle as well.  Continue to wait on Him and trust in Him.  He will reveal His will and purpose for you in His perfect timing.

In our society we often ask God, “Why me?”  “Why, Lord?”  Why are you allowing this to happen to me?”  I have asked the Lord those same questions as I have faced my own trials, but now when a storm comes into my life, I say, “Why not me?”  “So I am willing to endure anything if it will bring salvation and eternal glory in Christ Jesus to those God has chosen.”  2 Timothy 2:10

Because this is my story, you have seen my scars and although my scars may give you some comfort and encouragement as you go through your own troubles, it is not my scars that will bring healing to your life; but His scars will!  His scars will restore you and His scars will breathe new life into you and His scars will bring you hope.  It is His scars that we should look to when more scars are added to our own lives.

"Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him."  Job 13:15  May we be found faithful to trust in Him as He slays us, knowing that He is setting us apart for His sacred service.

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Before the Rooster Crows

Have you ever experienced a time in your Christian walk when you just couldn’t sing songs of praise and worship to the Lord?  Or a time when you just couldn’t or you didn’t want to read your Bible?  How about a time when you could not feel God’s presence in your life and all you felt was darkness and despair?  If you have, then you know that those are painful days where life feels hopeless.  I am not a stranger to those days, either.  I experienced a time like that as well and that despair eventually led to an inward denial of my Savior.

Here’s my life once again laid out for all to see and I don’t share this story so you can look at me, but so you can see THE ONE who sent me to share this with you.  God, in His infinite wisdom, has clearly pressed upon my heart to share my struggles, along with the story of my denial of Christ, in hopes that it will encourage you in your own faith.  I hope what is penned here will bring you comfort and encouragement so you can see THE ONE in the midst of your own anguish and pain.

I will never forget the time that this brokenness occurred.  It was right around the time of my spiritual birthday.  I had been saved for 13 years.  In fact, as I write this today it was right around this time 2 years ago when something unusual took place in my walk with Christ.  I felt mentally, emotionally and spiritually different, but I couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong.  I told my husband and my closest friend that I was ‘not right’, but I did not know why.  There were no new storms that were added to my life, just the ones we were currently living through that sent me into spiritual exhaustion and despair. 

For a couple of weeks I was somewhat melancholy and the perspective I had on life was a bit gloomy.  With the new health treatment that I was on, I assumed that my body was trying to adjust, so I figured I was just experiencing a mild depression due to my imbalanced hormones. Soon, I thought I would eventually bounce back to my normal self, but that was not the case.  Eventually I started to become bitter about serving the Lord and I became callous towards reading my Bible, thinking, what was the point?  I was sure I would read something that told me to die to myself and live for Christ, which is what I had been doing for so many years. 

Let me back up a little here in the story.  On July 6, 1996, I gave my heart to the Lord and at that time, I had decided to fully follow Him with an intense passion.  So, what did that look like, you might ask? 

Here were a few things I did: 

• ·     My number one pursuit was to become a disciple of Christ.  I wanted to fully know Jesus and truly have Him as the Lord of my life.  I wanted more than just fire insurance as well.  I was not okay with just merely having Him as my Savior so I would not end up in hell.  I desired the abundant life and the Living Water.
• ·     One decision I made was to have Jesus Christ choose my husband, because the Lord is much smarter than I am. (smile)  Through God’s miraculous Hand, He blessed me with a man that I do not deserve.  I knew before I walked down that aisle on my wedding day that this was a man that I was going to purposefully respect and follow as best as I could, all the days of my life.
• ·       I made the decision to learn to become a Proverbs 31 woman in my marriage and family.
• ·      I was going to purposefully remain in Christ and abide in Him, in other words, I was going to seek Him with all my heart.
• ·       I was going to diligently remain in God’s Word. 
• ·       I was going to faithfully attend church every week, along with attend Bible studies.
• ·       I was going to serve Him with the gifts that He had given to me.
• ·      When we were blessed to have children, I was going to raise them to be warriors for the Lord.  I was going to teach them to use their life for Christ and build His kingdom and I was going to do that as I homeschooled them upon the foundation of the Word of God.

Bottom line: I was going after God and my life was immersed in the things of the Lord.  Who I wanted to became was a God-fearing, Christian woman, wife, and mother.  That was my purpose in life and that was what my life had become after 13 years.

Now, back to 2009.  So what happens to a woman that has pursued all those things for so many years and her faith in Christ is starting to fail and she is now beginning to doubt and deny the existence of the Lord?  Who was I and what did I believe in?  I felt so lost.  Was everything that I pursued a big, fat lie?  Why didn’t God help me?  After all, I was looking to pursue Him and Him alone.  So, where was He in all of this?

When I got saved, my trials started immediately and I had continued living in the storms ever since.  My life before Christ was never as painful as my life was with Christ, yet, of course, what I had with Christ was eternal life and without Him was eternal damnation.  However, thirteen years of pain, heartache, long-suffering, afflictions, persecution, broken relationships, spiritual warfare, etc.  I was done!  I couldn’t take the pain anymore and I was empty inside.  I had no more to pour out and no more to give.  I was becoming indifferent towards my relationship with the Lord.  I did not care about pursuing Him, living for Him and abiding in Him.  I felt that He had abandoned me at my deepest darkest hour and I was forsaken by Him as well.  As the psalmist David cried out, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me? Why are You so far from helping Me, and from the words of My groaning?  O My God, I cry in the daytime, but You do not hear; and in the night season, and am not silent.  Psalm 22:1-2  I, too, felt that same way.  Many times I felt like God was on a vacation while I was crying and curled up in the fetal position.  I went further down into the pit of darkness and I had no strength to continue on in my pursuit of Jesus Christ.  "I am counted with those who go down to the pit; I am like a man who has no strength."  Psalm 88:4  "You have laid me in the lowest pit, in darkness, in the depths."  Psalm 88:6

Before this dark time in my life, I had a deep faith in Christ.  I believed with all my heart that He could move mountains and heal whoever He wanted, whenever He wanted.  When you think that God is going to just miraculously fix the problem overnight and He doesn’t…what does any good, God-fearing, Christian do?  They wait on the Lord and perhaps your problems will be fixed the next day or the next…and so what do you do?  You wait, and wait, and wait.  How much longer Lord must I endure this?  I cry in anger when I don’t hear him and I groan in anguish.

In the days and weeks during the months of June and July of 2009, my despair continued on and as the numbness inside my heart turned towards indifference, my husband realized that this situation was not normal.  One day in particular, I shared with him all that I was experiencing, and as he sat listening, he lifted up his down-trodden head where you could see tears coming down his face from the news that I shared, and he said, “Where is my wife?” and “I don’t know how to help you,” was his response.  I knew what he meant by those words.  It was like I was a different person to him.  Where was the woman who stood so strongly for the Lord with unwavering faith?  Ironically, as I was struggling with my own spiritual issues, as a result of what I shared with my husband, I now became concerned for his walk with the Lord.  Did what I have to say to him bring him to a place that may cause him despair as well?  I felt bad for him because not only was he broken from all of our financial woes but now he had my spiritual issues to deal with as well.  I did not know how to fix my problem either and I now wondered about what was going to happen to our marriage that was built on the Rock.  In an instant I became even angrier towards God.  Where was He in all of this?

I continued to go through the motions of my so-called Christian life with my family, because honestly, I did not know what else to do.  I was still serving the Lord because my husband and I were the ones that started the ministry, so I wasn’t even able to take a break from that.  I felt stuck and trapped, and inside I was dying. 

We still went to church on a weekly basis and I remember one Sunday morning I DID NOT WANT TO GO!  I got in the car just like every other Sunday morning, but this particular Sunday was different.  My beloved husband was asking me all sorts of questions about my relationship with the Lord and what was going through my mind.  I had various emotions raging through me.  I was angry, indifferent, bitter, callous, and I felt forsaken.  I did not want to go to church and sing to a God who did not hear me when I cried to Him.  I did not want to go to church and hear a message of hope when I felt despair.  I DID NOT WANT TO GO!  But since my children were seated in the back of the car, I could not express those thoughts to my husband, (at least I had enough discernment to protect them from what I was going through.)  Logically, I believed the Truth so I did not want to destroy the foundation that I was building for them, yet, in my heart I was no longer trusting in Christ and believing in Him; denial of Him was starting to take root.  He wasn’t in my life.  He left me. "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?  Jeremiah 17:9

So I walked into church and I just stood there during worship, not singing nor praising the Lord.  I turned my mind off to the message that was spoken that morning as well and at the end of the service I left the sanctuary (to run to the bathroom) as our Pastor was giving the closing prayer.  When I came out of the bathroom, I could hear the last worship song being sung and I stood in the foyer of the church alone as I waited for my husband.  As the people walked up the aisles, a complete stranger headed straight for me and honestly, almost tackled me and said, “There you are.”  I did not know her and wondered what she wanted from me.  She asked if she could pray for me.  I was stunned by her question but I said, “sure”.  We walked outside and she prayed a prayer that was SO SPECIFIC you would have thought I told her my entire life story, yet, I did not tell her anything.  Words she used were illness, healing, sickness, provisions, long-suffering, afflictions, strength for a warrior, and then she prayed that I would know and remember that God’s Word says, “He would never leave me nor forsake me.”   Tears came down my face as I heard this prayer that came straight from God.  Afterwards I said, “You obviously have the gift of intercessory prayer and I am sure you know that.”  She said "yes".  I asked her how this prayer came about and then she told me about God’s hand...

She was seated a few rows behind me in church.  Like I said, I did not know her and I also happen to attend a very large church.  Our sanctuary seats over 2,000 people.  As she sat there and waited for the service to begin, the Lord had told her, “that one right there, pray for her.” (He was pointing to me.) “Okay” she said.  But then the Lord said to her, “Get on your knees and pray for her.”  (I can’t help but cry when I type this.)  “Get on my knees?” Oh, Lord, you have never asked me to get on my knees before and pray for someone”, she said.  “Get on your knees,” He said.  Later, she told me she did not obey Him by getting on her knees.  She did not want to have everyone looking at her, so she just prayed for me where she was.  All throughout the service the Lord would prompt her to get on her knees and pray for me.  When the service was ending and after our Pastor gave the closing prayer, she looked up from praying and saw that I was gone.  Her spirit was grieved because she did not obey the Lord, but then as she walked out of the sanctuary she found me.  As she was telling me all of this, she said, “You know, I did not obey the Lord when He told me to get on my knees and pray for you, so I am going to get on my knees now and pray for you again.”   

She, a complete stranger who was sent by God, knelt on the outdoor concrete as she lifted me up to the Lord.  The healing and restoration of my faith was beginning to take place, through this stranger’s prayer.  That morning, God showed me His love for me. He heard all of my cries and saw all of my pain and through all of this, He hoped to make me stronger so He could use me more.

There was a purpose for all my pain and I will share more of the 'why' at my next post, Before the Rooster Crows, Part 2.

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Aching Inside

Well, hello friend!

Sorry it has been awhile since I wrote last.  I was under the weather for a few days…but God usually speaks to me when I am down and out so that’s a blessing in itself!  Isn’t it amazing how much we can hear from Him when we are forced to slow down?

Goodness gracious, every time I think I have finished sharing my story with you, I hear the Lord speak to me, “Share more! Tell your sisters of your struggles and your pain and show them My hand of faithfulness in all of it.  I often think who wants to hear about my grief because after all, everyone has problems of their own.  Yet, God has made it clear to me to write this and I need to remember that it is He that I write for, my audience of One, but I do hope it encourages you none the less!

If you missed my last posts you can read them here at, The Refiner's Fire and Lord, Why on Earth Would You Allow This?(The Refiner's Fire Part II).

I left off telling you about my health trial and our financial trials colliding.  Without writing a book about all of those details I thought I would share a few situations of my pain along with God’s hand upon our lives in the midst of the black, stormy clouds that were surrounding us.

With my failing health, I needed some form of a new treatment and having no health insurance and little money, I must admit I was not hopeful about my situation.  Of course I prayed and cried out to the Lord.  I had done that for so many years regarding my physical pain and illnesses that I often wondered if He heard me. "O LORD, how long shall I cry, and You will not hear?"  Habakkuk 1:2  

I had no doubt in my mind that Christ, the Great Physician, could do a miracle in my body.  Yet, year after year, healing in my body did not take place. “So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.  Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away.  Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”  2 Corinthians 12:7-9  During those years, I was having a hard time living off of 'just His grace', even though His Word said, “My grace is all you need.”

My King in Shining Armor rode up on His horse to save me.

So, with depression and despair starting to set in once again….what does God do?  He rides in on His big white horse to save the day!  He led me to a doctor even when I wasn’t looking for one!  No health insurance and hardly any money remember, so why would I be looking for a doctor?  Let me share with you about what Our King in Shining Armor did for His princess.

For about 2 weeks the Lord had prompted me to go see a certain doctor in the town that we live in.  It was a rather odd nudging from the Lord, after all, I had never met this doctor, nor knew of his practices PLUS, we could not afford it!  Each night as I would go to bed, (that’s when I would hear the Lord speak to me the most…you know those quiet moments without any distractions), over and over, He would tell me to go see this particular doctor.  I, of course, would argue with God and remind Him that it was not financially feasible to be treated by this doctor.  It was a ridiculous idea that I battled with for awhile.  I shared with my husband all that the Lord was telling me and then one day my beloved Solomon, my husband, said to go see this new doctor and not to worry about the money.   So I went.

This doctor practiced Chinese medicine which is a combination of acupuncture, medicinal tea designed specifically for your body and your issues along with herbal supplements.  After all of the other treatments that I had been through, the acupuncture did not scare me.  However, I was VERY skeptical, yet I still had an ounce of hope that I would find healing at this place, after all, Jesus sent me there!

I met with this very mild-mannered and humbled doctor and he gave me what is referred to in his practice of medicine, a ‘body scan’ which is nothing like a body scan in western medicine; they are two completely different types of scans.  Now as I sat in his office I was very cynical thinking this man is not going to be able to help me.  He did not have any of my test scores or blood results to refer to, just his little scan. 

He asked me who referred me to his office.  My response, “The Lord.”  (Plain and simple.  I did not care what he thought of me.)  The doctor looked at me somewhat puzzled by my response.  Again, I said, "The Lord, no one else".  Then he just smiled and nodded his head.

He read the results of my scan and with complete certainty he said I was very sick and I had been sick for a long time.  He now had my full attention.  He went on to tell me I had a virus that was destroying all of my organs.  Now my ears perked up.  I knew I had a virus, one that many doctors could not treat and a virus that I had for several years.  So, what did I do?  I tested the doctor to see if he knew what he was talking about! (Remember, I was skeptical.)

I asked him, “What is the name of the virus?”

He proceeded to tell me its name and I said, “You are right, I do have that virus.”

He dropped my chart on his desk and looked at me with shock and surprise.  “How do you know this, he asked?”

“I was tested for it many years ago, but the doctor who tested me for it shortly died after I received my results”, I said.

His wife read my results over her husband’s shoulder and with a disgusted tone, she asked me, “How much alcohol do you drink?”

“None, I don’t even drink soda”, was my reply.

Again he said, “You are very sick and you have been sick for a very long time and your liver is very bad.”  I told him I knew about my liver because of recent test results but my doctor at the time was unable to fix my problem.

This man knew my body as if he had been treating me for years.  He understood all of my organ issues and told me they were all related.  After all that I heard from him, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God brought me directly to this doctor. 

“The treatment will be long, but I can heal you”, he said.

I sat there right in his office and broke down and cried.  “In my distress I cried to the Lord, and He heard me.”  Psalm 120:1  I cried for two different reasons.  One, I finally had a doctor who knew how serious my problems were AND he knew how to treat them.  Two, we had no money for me to get the treatment I needed.  After all these years with no answers, we finally had an answer, but no means to fix the problem.  In one instant I went from feeling ecstatic to feeling discouraged and hopeless.

We spoke some more, and come to find out that this doctor is none other than a born-again, committed Christian!  My soul was singing, yet, in my mind I felt somewhat cheated.  It was like the Lord was showing me all these good things but in my world, my reality, I could not have them.

We will take care of you here.  You are family.  You are my sister, he said.  I wept again. (Awe, that still brings tears to my eyes as I write this!)

The treatment was still very expensive even with their help.  I did not know how we were going to afford $900 a month, every month for the next year.  I came home saddened and frustrated as I shared all the information with my husband.  I did not want to be a burden to him.  I knew he was already feeling overwhelmed with having the home in foreclosure and not knowing how he was going to provide for his family with just the basic necessities of our lives.

Now, here comes the sound of the horses’ hooves galloping to my rescue, again…A few days later, as I returned from a trip to the store, I pulled up into my driveway and I see my Knight in Shining Armor polishing the sports car that he had owned for 10 years.  I could tell before I even got out of my car what my husband was doing.  He was sprucing it up so he could sell it.  He enjoyed his little car and he worked hard for it so I knew it was a sacrifice for him to let it go on my behalf.  (We all know how men can be with their sports cars!)  He told me to go get the treatment that I needed because he was selling his car.  Again I wept, not only did I feel the love from my King in Shining Armor but my Knight as well, and both were a love I did not deserve.  It was unfortunate that my faith in the One True God had started to diminish because there was no need for that to happen. “And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"  Matthew 14:31 

"The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep.   John 10:10-11  I love how these two verses are side by side in this passage.  Jesus is pointing out how the enemy is working hard to take us down, but the Lord reminds us of WHO He is and the type of life that we would have with Him as our Good Shepherd.

This is what I want you to remember when you go through difficult times in your own life: 

You are God’s princess and He is your King in Shining Armor.  He won’t let you down.  He will rescue you in your time of need even when you don't feel like He is going to show up. 

He has not forgotten about you.  Cling to His promises.  Be in His Word so you can be encouraged in your faith.  “So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.”  Romans 10:17

Be still.  Wait and listen for His voice.  He will lead you if you are willing to be led.

Listen for the sound of His horse, because He is coming!

Lord, Why on Earth Would You Allow This? (The Refiner's Fire Part 2)

First, let me begin by telling you I had no intentions of writing this post anytime soon because, quite honestly, I did not want to mentally and emotionally relive the past feelings of my life where I experienced so much physical pain, long-suffering, hopelessness and times of despair as I walked with the Lord.  I knew at some point the Lord would have me share this part of my life with you, but I did not think it would be written now, in the middle of me telling you about our financial trials!  In fact, every time I’ve thought about writing on this subject matter, I would come to tears.  Just the other day as I was having a hard time coping with the reality that the Lord was going to have me face those many years of brokenness, I cried to Him and said, “Can’t you use my strengths instead of my weaknesses?   I am sure He was probably smiling down on me when I said that!   "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Lord, why on earth would you allow this?  I can’t tell you how many times I have asked the Lord that question.  All I’ve wanted to do since I gave my heart to Him was serve Him.  When I married, I wanted to make sure I lived a life where I brought respect and honor to my husband and that I served him as well.  When I had my children, I desired to raise them in the Lord as I spent time homeschooling them and teaching them to build God’s kingdom.  I did not understand why the Lord would allow my body to have one disease and disorder after another and for so many years.  But God had a plan in all of my pain and there was a purpose for it!

The story below was the beginning of my refining process.  If you missed part 1 of The Refiner's Fire you can read it here, just click on the link.

So because of God’s grace, I will briefly share my weaknesses. 

The pain was unbearable.  When would it end?

It was 1998.  I had been saved for almost 2 years and married for one month.  I received a call from my doctor telling me I had pre-cancerous cells of my cervix and I needed laser surgery.  They were not sure if I would be able to have children as a result of the damage to my cervix.  I was not expecting to hear those words!  Here's God's hand in the midst of the heartache, fears, lost dreams and pain.  About a year later I became pregnant with my firstborn son and 1 year after he was born, I was pregnant with my second child.

However, little did I know that during my first pregnancy, a host of illnesses were brewing in my body and they were about to explode.  Over a 10 year period of time I saw one doctor after another for all of the diseases and disorders that were manifesting in my body.  There were days that my husband would send his assistant up to our house to watch my babies just so I could get some rest.  The night before I did not get any sleep due to severe joint pain, infections or vomiting which prevented me from getting any rest.  Many weeks I saw doctor after doctor for treatment after treatment.  For a two month period of time I saw 4 different doctors per week to help restore my health.  Below is a list of doctors that had treated me over the years:

·       A doctor of internal medicine

·       A rheumatologist

·       An ophthalmologist

·       Several gynecologists

·       A gastroenterologist

·       A clinical nutritionist

·       An alternative medicine doctor

·       A dentist to treat Periodontal Gum Disease

·       A physical therapist

·       An alternative medicine doctor for PMS and thyroid disorders

·       A doctor of Chinese medicine accompanied with acupuncture

During my time with them, they diagnosed me with:

·   An autoimmune disease of my glands known as Sjorgren’s syndrome.  As a result of this syndrome, I was unable to nurse my children but I did not know that at the time.  I had chronic fatigue and chronic joint pain.  I was constantly sick and I was starting to have vision problems.  The doctor told me I had abrasions on my eyes due to lack of moisture because my glands were not functioning, so he plugged my tear ducts.  I was also diagnosed as having border-line Lupus which is also an autoimmune disease, along with fibromyalgia and IBS.  Life long drugs were their answer to all my problems.  (We decided it was best for us to seek alternative treatment.)

·      In the alternative world of medicine I was treated for Candida Albicans which is an overgrowth of yeast in one’s body that can destroy the immune system.  During the course of 1 ½ years, I took over 90 pills a day which were natural supplements and my diet was restricted to protein and veggies.  (It was enjoyable to say the least.) sarcasm noted

·      Along with Candida, I was diagnosed with Leaky Gut Syndrome, because I had microscopic tears in my intestinal lining, and if that wasn't enough, I was also Insulin Resistance which was a precursor to Diabetes.

·       At one point in my life I was rushed to the ER by ambulance because I was doubled over in pain, unable to stand and I was constantly vomiting.  We thought my appendix might have burst.  After an ultrasound, a vaginal ultrasound and a CAT scan, they found that I had a ruptured ovarian cyst.  Little did I know I would experience that pain every month for the next 6 months.  I was soon diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.  My hormones were severely out of balance which caused an ongoing, monthly depression just before my menstrual cycle.  On top of all of that, my entire endocrine system was bogged down and I was functioning off of my adrenal glands which caused a lot of the chronic fatigue, the anxiousness and irritability.

·      In addition to everything else that was going on in my body, for 1 ½ years I had a severe vaginal and rectal infection that greatly hindered my ability to just get through the day.  The doctors had never seen anything like it and they did not know what it was.  (That was comforting to hear.) Just 1 month after my rush to the E.R. for my ovarian cyst, I had a Colonoscopy at age 34 to find out the cause of the rectal infection, yet, they could not see everything because of a blockage in my small intestine.  (Hmmm, I guess all of the years of chronic constipation would create a blockage!)  Again, no answers and no relief.   The medication that the docs gave me for my vaginal infection caused me to break out over my entire body with hives.  It was a Mother’s Day I would never forget.  I couldn’t take any more pain.  I felt like it was killing me.  All I longed to do is go home to be with Jesus.  That Sunday morning, my husband took me to the elders of the church for prayer and oil.   “Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord.”  James 5:14

Throughout those long and painful 10 years, I had treatments that would range from:

·       6 months of nightly enemas with probiotics in them.  (I was 33 years old at the time and I felt like I was living in a body of an 80 year old woman.)

·    Taking natural progesterone that was injected into me rectally 3 times a day for at least 5 years because of my ovarian cysts.

·       I gave myself weekly B-12 shots in hopes that the fatigue would go away.

·     I was hooked up to an IV once a week for 8 weeks for chelation treatments hoping to rid my body of toxins.

·      At one point, my blood was run routinely through an IV that was under a UV ray light in hopes that the light rays would kill off any viruses in my body.

·      Not to mention all the disgusting green drinks and restrictive diets that I had to be on in order to restore my health.  (Eating soup with chicken feet in it was not enjoyable!)

Because we sought alternative medicine, the office visits, treatments and supplements were not covered by our insurance.  For 1 ½ years the cost for my health would range from $1000-$1500 per month.  Over the next 5 years, that number would decrease to $800 and then to $300 per month. There were days that I was becoming healthier.  One day in particular, I can remember the excitement I had as I shared with my husband that I was able to make my young boys lunch!

During year 5 of my health journey, I prayed for contentment.  "Now godliness with contentment is great gain."  1 Timothy 6:6  I was tired of trying to restore my health and I no longer wanted it to be such a huge focus of my life.  I had to come to grips with the fact that I could not have the life that I longed for based on my physical limitations and I did not want my pursuit of health to become my idol.  For a few years my body was stable as long as I was still taking my supplements and limiting my diet, so I timidly stepped out to serve the Lord as we started a new ministry. 

But shortly things got worse and they got worse at the wrong time!  My body started to decline once again and the supplements were no longer maintaining my health.  We were starting to have financial trials, (read The Refiner's Fire to know more about them,) and the cost of $300 a month for supplements that were no longer working did not seem like a wise purchase.

My health trial and our financial trials collided.  I did not know what to do.  I was becoming sicker and sicker and more of my organs were starting to shut down.  We had no health insurance and we maybe had $300 to our name.  Our home was now in foreclosure and I now had more responsibilities due to the new ministry.  I felt like I was drowning trying to manage all that was needed in my home because of the additional financial hardships as well.  Lord, why on earth would you allow this?

It is funny how our journey with the Lord is called our 'Christian walk'.  To me, it felt like a 'crawl'.  I never felt like I was in an upright position pursuing Jesus.  I was so broken and feeble that I daily had to crawl to Him. 

"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.  For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer." 2 Corinthians 1:4-6

God's hand of faithfulness has always been upon us even when I did not understand why God was taking us through this major storm.  When the IRS audited us, they found that they owed us several thousand dollars and the lawsuit that went on for 5 years, the plaintiffs dropped the case against my husband.   See how God works!

The Lord is always with us but sometimes through all of the pain we can't see Him, feel Him or hear Him.  He is with you as well.  He is refining you for a purpose that is just for Him so He can be revealed through you!  Don't get discouraged and don't lose hope.  He is always right there by your side when you are hurting and when you are questioning.  He was right by Job's side when he questioned the Lord as well.  And what was the Lord's response to Job? "Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell Me, if you have understanding.  Job 38:4  Sometimes we are not going to understand everything that God takes us through.  We just need to be obedient and faithful to Him despite our hardships because God does not owe us anything.  And he (Job) said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked shall I return there. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; Blessed be the name of the LORD."  Job 1:21 (my emphasis)

Not All Mothers and Daughters Get Along

For a couple hours now I have been wrestling with the Lord about writing this post...in fact, if you could take a peak inside my heart you could see me pleading with Him about how I am not ready to show some of my scars and how I don't want to be vulnerable and transparent to people that I am afraid to let in.   

I cry out to Him, You are asking me to share a lot.  I am not ready to let down some of my walls.  I don't have the courage to open up to complete strangers.  They will criticize me and reject me, I say to Him.  But my Lord asked me, "Daughter, if you could reach just one woman and minister to her and encourage her or affirm her for My sake, would you be willing to share your scars with her?  Of course, Lord.  Like the words from Isaiah, "Here I am, send me."  Isaiah 6:8  So, I submit to His will and not my own.

For all those daughters out there that do not have the best relationship with their moms, this is written to help you know that you are not alone in your pain and suffering.  The Lord knows all that we need in order to cling to Him and to become more like Him.  He cares about your tears and what you have been through.  For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."  Hebrews 13:5

So here's my story.  I was adopted at birth into a family that already had 3 biological sons of their own.  (My biological parents were 26 and 29 yrs. old when they gave me up for adoption.) I grew up knowing I was adopted and I was told that I was chosen and special, yet, I did not feel like I ever fit in.  For some reason I was never really close to my mom and I am not sure why.  My insecurities developed at a very young age.  I did not have many friends at school and those I did have later rejected me and I was left to myself each afternoon on the playground.  I felt unwanted again.  Because of much hurt, the anger in me quickly became a part of who I was.  Kids called me, "Mean Jolene" (that still hurts to hear it to this day!) and of course that added to my pain and created even more hostility in me.  I lashed out in my anger when I was just in the third grade as I was sent to the Principal's Office for fist fighting!  Of course over the years I put up more walls to protect myself and more pain became my friend, whether it was being sexually molested as a child or just feeling unwanted in my own home. 

Then my teen years came.  I never felt that I could please my mom or measure up to her standards, so I stopped trying and I became indifferent and I sought to receive love somewhere else.  Later I had a boy who said he loved me; oh how he broke my heart, again.  More scars and more walls were added along with more bad choices that left me so broken that I wanted to take my own life.  Later as I got older, I lived a life where I denied the existence of God and boy, those sure were some dark years.

Then  I met Jesus Christ.  My Hero showed up on the scene and saved not only the day, but my life as well.

"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons (& daughters) through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will--to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves." Ephesians 1:4-6 (my paraphrase)

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9

Shortly after I became saved I decided to move back in with my parents so I could be the 'light' and be a witness to them.  Unfortunately, they were not open to my new found faith.  One day in particular I remember sharing with my mom how I asked Jesus to come into my heart, forgive me of my sins and be the Lord of my life.
My mom's response:, "You have just matured, that's all."  I was perplexed by her words.  I thought maybe she did not understand what I said or she did not hear me so I repeated myself.
Her response again was, "You have just matured."  Now, I was not okay with her denying my transformation and denying what God had done in my life, so my old self of being 'Mean-Jolene' came alive, and I fiercely repeated myself for the third time!
Her response, "No, you have just matured, that's all."
In that moment I was saddened by the fact that she had discounted what I had to say and what was taking place in my life, but what she was really doing was rejecting my Savior.  "Remember the word that I said to you, 'A servant is not greater than his master.' If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you." John 15:20

About a year later I was getting married to a wonderful man that God chose specifically for me.  My parents did not approve of my husband-to-be, nor did they approve of my faith and the church we were getting married in, which is still the church we attend to this day.  Mom and I continued to be at odds.  Of course they were invited to my wedding and I hoped they would come but I informed them that in 4 weeks I would be getting married whether they attended or not.  (I did not know if my dad would be walking me down the aisle until the night of the rehearsal when they happened to show up.)
"Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword.  "For I have come to 'set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law'; "and 'a man's enemies will be those of his own household.'  Matthew 10:34-36

We moved forward in our relationship.  She was respectful of my faith and my marriage.  Within a year of  my wedding, I became pregnant with my firstborn and mom and I became so close.  It was wonderful and she was a fabulous grandma!  I continued to pray for hers and my extended family's salvation.  A year later I became pregnant again.  
  
Now comes the part in the movie when the music goes bad...really, really bad.  I am going to leave you with a cliff-hanger.  Below are some words that my mother vehemently spewed out to me one afternoon when I was 7 months pregnant.  (Shortly after what was said to me I went into pre-term labor.)

Mom:  "Jolene, if I ever see you spank your child again I am going to call Child Protective Services."

Mom:  "Because you are going to homeschool your children they are going to be withdrawn, socially retarded and they are going to end up in prison." 

Mom:  "Jolene, where do you find these losers"?  (she was referring to my beloved Solomon; my husband Eric.)

Those were some fightin' words and I was ready for a throw-down! By the way, this is all taking place at a Mall!

Let me leave you with this,  "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. " Romans 3:23

I will continue the rest of the story in, Not All Mothers and Daughters Get Along Part 2.