Aching Inside

Well, hello friend!

Sorry it has been awhile since I wrote last.  I was under the weather for a few days…but God usually speaks to me when I am down and out so that’s a blessing in itself!  Isn’t it amazing how much we can hear from Him when we are forced to slow down?

Goodness gracious, every time I think I have finished sharing my story with you, I hear the Lord speak to me, “Share more! Tell your sisters of your struggles and your pain and show them My hand of faithfulness in all of it.  I often think who wants to hear about my grief because after all, everyone has problems of their own.  Yet, God has made it clear to me to write this and I need to remember that it is He that I write for, my audience of One, but I do hope it encourages you none the less!

If you missed my last posts you can read them here at, The Refiner's Fire and Lord, Why on Earth Would You Allow This?(The Refiner's Fire Part II).

I left off telling you about my health trial and our financial trials colliding.  Without writing a book about all of those details I thought I would share a few situations of my pain along with God’s hand upon our lives in the midst of the black, stormy clouds that were surrounding us.

With my failing health, I needed some form of a new treatment and having no health insurance and little money, I must admit I was not hopeful about my situation.  Of course I prayed and cried out to the Lord.  I had done that for so many years regarding my physical pain and illnesses that I often wondered if He heard me. "O LORD, how long shall I cry, and You will not hear?"  Habakkuk 1:2  

I had no doubt in my mind that Christ, the Great Physician, could do a miracle in my body.  Yet, year after year, healing in my body did not take place. “So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.  Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away.  Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”  2 Corinthians 12:7-9  During those years, I was having a hard time living off of 'just His grace', even though His Word said, “My grace is all you need.”

My King in Shining Armor rode up on His horse to save me.

So, with depression and despair starting to set in once again….what does God do?  He rides in on His big white horse to save the day!  He led me to a doctor even when I wasn’t looking for one!  No health insurance and hardly any money remember, so why would I be looking for a doctor?  Let me share with you about what Our King in Shining Armor did for His princess.

For about 2 weeks the Lord had prompted me to go see a certain doctor in the town that we live in.  It was a rather odd nudging from the Lord, after all, I had never met this doctor, nor knew of his practices PLUS, we could not afford it!  Each night as I would go to bed, (that’s when I would hear the Lord speak to me the most…you know those quiet moments without any distractions), over and over, He would tell me to go see this particular doctor.  I, of course, would argue with God and remind Him that it was not financially feasible to be treated by this doctor.  It was a ridiculous idea that I battled with for awhile.  I shared with my husband all that the Lord was telling me and then one day my beloved Solomon, my husband, said to go see this new doctor and not to worry about the money.   So I went.

This doctor practiced Chinese medicine which is a combination of acupuncture, medicinal tea designed specifically for your body and your issues along with herbal supplements.  After all of the other treatments that I had been through, the acupuncture did not scare me.  However, I was VERY skeptical, yet I still had an ounce of hope that I would find healing at this place, after all, Jesus sent me there!

I met with this very mild-mannered and humbled doctor and he gave me what is referred to in his practice of medicine, a ‘body scan’ which is nothing like a body scan in western medicine; they are two completely different types of scans.  Now as I sat in his office I was very cynical thinking this man is not going to be able to help me.  He did not have any of my test scores or blood results to refer to, just his little scan. 

He asked me who referred me to his office.  My response, “The Lord.”  (Plain and simple.  I did not care what he thought of me.)  The doctor looked at me somewhat puzzled by my response.  Again, I said, "The Lord, no one else".  Then he just smiled and nodded his head.

He read the results of my scan and with complete certainty he said I was very sick and I had been sick for a long time.  He now had my full attention.  He went on to tell me I had a virus that was destroying all of my organs.  Now my ears perked up.  I knew I had a virus, one that many doctors could not treat and a virus that I had for several years.  So, what did I do?  I tested the doctor to see if he knew what he was talking about! (Remember, I was skeptical.)

I asked him, “What is the name of the virus?”

He proceeded to tell me its name and I said, “You are right, I do have that virus.”

He dropped my chart on his desk and looked at me with shock and surprise.  “How do you know this, he asked?”

“I was tested for it many years ago, but the doctor who tested me for it shortly died after I received my results”, I said.

His wife read my results over her husband’s shoulder and with a disgusted tone, she asked me, “How much alcohol do you drink?”

“None, I don’t even drink soda”, was my reply.

Again he said, “You are very sick and you have been sick for a very long time and your liver is very bad.”  I told him I knew about my liver because of recent test results but my doctor at the time was unable to fix my problem.

This man knew my body as if he had been treating me for years.  He understood all of my organ issues and told me they were all related.  After all that I heard from him, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God brought me directly to this doctor. 

“The treatment will be long, but I can heal you”, he said.

I sat there right in his office and broke down and cried.  “In my distress I cried to the Lord, and He heard me.”  Psalm 120:1  I cried for two different reasons.  One, I finally had a doctor who knew how serious my problems were AND he knew how to treat them.  Two, we had no money for me to get the treatment I needed.  After all these years with no answers, we finally had an answer, but no means to fix the problem.  In one instant I went from feeling ecstatic to feeling discouraged and hopeless.

We spoke some more, and come to find out that this doctor is none other than a born-again, committed Christian!  My soul was singing, yet, in my mind I felt somewhat cheated.  It was like the Lord was showing me all these good things but in my world, my reality, I could not have them.

We will take care of you here.  You are family.  You are my sister, he said.  I wept again. (Awe, that still brings tears to my eyes as I write this!)

The treatment was still very expensive even with their help.  I did not know how we were going to afford $900 a month, every month for the next year.  I came home saddened and frustrated as I shared all the information with my husband.  I did not want to be a burden to him.  I knew he was already feeling overwhelmed with having the home in foreclosure and not knowing how he was going to provide for his family with just the basic necessities of our lives.

Now, here comes the sound of the horses’ hooves galloping to my rescue, again…A few days later, as I returned from a trip to the store, I pulled up into my driveway and I see my Knight in Shining Armor polishing the sports car that he had owned for 10 years.  I could tell before I even got out of my car what my husband was doing.  He was sprucing it up so he could sell it.  He enjoyed his little car and he worked hard for it so I knew it was a sacrifice for him to let it go on my behalf.  (We all know how men can be with their sports cars!)  He told me to go get the treatment that I needed because he was selling his car.  Again I wept, not only did I feel the love from my King in Shining Armor but my Knight as well, and both were a love I did not deserve.  It was unfortunate that my faith in the One True God had started to diminish because there was no need for that to happen. “And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"  Matthew 14:31 

"The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep.   John 10:10-11  I love how these two verses are side by side in this passage.  Jesus is pointing out how the enemy is working hard to take us down, but the Lord reminds us of WHO He is and the type of life that we would have with Him as our Good Shepherd.

This is what I want you to remember when you go through difficult times in your own life: 

You are God’s princess and He is your King in Shining Armor.  He won’t let you down.  He will rescue you in your time of need even when you don't feel like He is going to show up. 

He has not forgotten about you.  Cling to His promises.  Be in His Word so you can be encouraged in your faith.  “So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.”  Romans 10:17

Be still.  Wait and listen for His voice.  He will lead you if you are willing to be led.

Listen for the sound of His horse, because He is coming!

Lord, Why on Earth Would You Allow This? (The Refiner's Fire Part 2)

First, let me begin by telling you I had no intentions of writing this post anytime soon because, quite honestly, I did not want to mentally and emotionally relive the past feelings of my life where I experienced so much physical pain, long-suffering, hopelessness and times of despair as I walked with the Lord.  I knew at some point the Lord would have me share this part of my life with you, but I did not think it would be written now, in the middle of me telling you about our financial trials!  In fact, every time I’ve thought about writing on this subject matter, I would come to tears.  Just the other day as I was having a hard time coping with the reality that the Lord was going to have me face those many years of brokenness, I cried to Him and said, “Can’t you use my strengths instead of my weaknesses?   I am sure He was probably smiling down on me when I said that!   "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Lord, why on earth would you allow this?  I can’t tell you how many times I have asked the Lord that question.  All I’ve wanted to do since I gave my heart to Him was serve Him.  When I married, I wanted to make sure I lived a life where I brought respect and honor to my husband and that I served him as well.  When I had my children, I desired to raise them in the Lord as I spent time homeschooling them and teaching them to build God’s kingdom.  I did not understand why the Lord would allow my body to have one disease and disorder after another and for so many years.  But God had a plan in all of my pain and there was a purpose for it!

The story below was the beginning of my refining process.  If you missed part 1 of The Refiner's Fire you can read it here, just click on the link.

So because of God’s grace, I will briefly share my weaknesses. 

The pain was unbearable.  When would it end?

It was 1998.  I had been saved for almost 2 years and married for one month.  I received a call from my doctor telling me I had pre-cancerous cells of my cervix and I needed laser surgery.  They were not sure if I would be able to have children as a result of the damage to my cervix.  I was not expecting to hear those words!  Here's God's hand in the midst of the heartache, fears, lost dreams and pain.  About a year later I became pregnant with my firstborn son and 1 year after he was born, I was pregnant with my second child.

However, little did I know that during my first pregnancy, a host of illnesses were brewing in my body and they were about to explode.  Over a 10 year period of time I saw one doctor after another for all of the diseases and disorders that were manifesting in my body.  There were days that my husband would send his assistant up to our house to watch my babies just so I could get some rest.  The night before I did not get any sleep due to severe joint pain, infections or vomiting which prevented me from getting any rest.  Many weeks I saw doctor after doctor for treatment after treatment.  For a two month period of time I saw 4 different doctors per week to help restore my health.  Below is a list of doctors that had treated me over the years:

·       A doctor of internal medicine

·       A rheumatologist

·       An ophthalmologist

·       Several gynecologists

·       A gastroenterologist

·       A clinical nutritionist

·       An alternative medicine doctor

·       A dentist to treat Periodontal Gum Disease

·       A physical therapist

·       An alternative medicine doctor for PMS and thyroid disorders

·       A doctor of Chinese medicine accompanied with acupuncture

During my time with them, they diagnosed me with:

·   An autoimmune disease of my glands known as Sjorgren’s syndrome.  As a result of this syndrome, I was unable to nurse my children but I did not know that at the time.  I had chronic fatigue and chronic joint pain.  I was constantly sick and I was starting to have vision problems.  The doctor told me I had abrasions on my eyes due to lack of moisture because my glands were not functioning, so he plugged my tear ducts.  I was also diagnosed as having border-line Lupus which is also an autoimmune disease, along with fibromyalgia and IBS.  Life long drugs were their answer to all my problems.  (We decided it was best for us to seek alternative treatment.)

·      In the alternative world of medicine I was treated for Candida Albicans which is an overgrowth of yeast in one’s body that can destroy the immune system.  During the course of 1 ½ years, I took over 90 pills a day which were natural supplements and my diet was restricted to protein and veggies.  (It was enjoyable to say the least.) sarcasm noted

·      Along with Candida, I was diagnosed with Leaky Gut Syndrome, because I had microscopic tears in my intestinal lining, and if that wasn't enough, I was also Insulin Resistance which was a precursor to Diabetes.

·       At one point in my life I was rushed to the ER by ambulance because I was doubled over in pain, unable to stand and I was constantly vomiting.  We thought my appendix might have burst.  After an ultrasound, a vaginal ultrasound and a CAT scan, they found that I had a ruptured ovarian cyst.  Little did I know I would experience that pain every month for the next 6 months.  I was soon diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.  My hormones were severely out of balance which caused an ongoing, monthly depression just before my menstrual cycle.  On top of all of that, my entire endocrine system was bogged down and I was functioning off of my adrenal glands which caused a lot of the chronic fatigue, the anxiousness and irritability.

·      In addition to everything else that was going on in my body, for 1 ½ years I had a severe vaginal and rectal infection that greatly hindered my ability to just get through the day.  The doctors had never seen anything like it and they did not know what it was.  (That was comforting to hear.) Just 1 month after my rush to the E.R. for my ovarian cyst, I had a Colonoscopy at age 34 to find out the cause of the rectal infection, yet, they could not see everything because of a blockage in my small intestine.  (Hmmm, I guess all of the years of chronic constipation would create a blockage!)  Again, no answers and no relief.   The medication that the docs gave me for my vaginal infection caused me to break out over my entire body with hives.  It was a Mother’s Day I would never forget.  I couldn’t take any more pain.  I felt like it was killing me.  All I longed to do is go home to be with Jesus.  That Sunday morning, my husband took me to the elders of the church for prayer and oil.   “Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord.”  James 5:14

Throughout those long and painful 10 years, I had treatments that would range from:

·       6 months of nightly enemas with probiotics in them.  (I was 33 years old at the time and I felt like I was living in a body of an 80 year old woman.)

·    Taking natural progesterone that was injected into me rectally 3 times a day for at least 5 years because of my ovarian cysts.

·       I gave myself weekly B-12 shots in hopes that the fatigue would go away.

·     I was hooked up to an IV once a week for 8 weeks for chelation treatments hoping to rid my body of toxins.

·      At one point, my blood was run routinely through an IV that was under a UV ray light in hopes that the light rays would kill off any viruses in my body.

·      Not to mention all the disgusting green drinks and restrictive diets that I had to be on in order to restore my health.  (Eating soup with chicken feet in it was not enjoyable!)

Because we sought alternative medicine, the office visits, treatments and supplements were not covered by our insurance.  For 1 ½ years the cost for my health would range from $1000-$1500 per month.  Over the next 5 years, that number would decrease to $800 and then to $300 per month. There were days that I was becoming healthier.  One day in particular, I can remember the excitement I had as I shared with my husband that I was able to make my young boys lunch!

During year 5 of my health journey, I prayed for contentment.  "Now godliness with contentment is great gain."  1 Timothy 6:6  I was tired of trying to restore my health and I no longer wanted it to be such a huge focus of my life.  I had to come to grips with the fact that I could not have the life that I longed for based on my physical limitations and I did not want my pursuit of health to become my idol.  For a few years my body was stable as long as I was still taking my supplements and limiting my diet, so I timidly stepped out to serve the Lord as we started a new ministry. 

But shortly things got worse and they got worse at the wrong time!  My body started to decline once again and the supplements were no longer maintaining my health.  We were starting to have financial trials, (read The Refiner's Fire to know more about them,) and the cost of $300 a month for supplements that were no longer working did not seem like a wise purchase.

My health trial and our financial trials collided.  I did not know what to do.  I was becoming sicker and sicker and more of my organs were starting to shut down.  We had no health insurance and we maybe had $300 to our name.  Our home was now in foreclosure and I now had more responsibilities due to the new ministry.  I felt like I was drowning trying to manage all that was needed in my home because of the additional financial hardships as well.  Lord, why on earth would you allow this?

It is funny how our journey with the Lord is called our 'Christian walk'.  To me, it felt like a 'crawl'.  I never felt like I was in an upright position pursuing Jesus.  I was so broken and feeble that I daily had to crawl to Him. 

"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.  For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer." 2 Corinthians 1:4-6

God's hand of faithfulness has always been upon us even when I did not understand why God was taking us through this major storm.  When the IRS audited us, they found that they owed us several thousand dollars and the lawsuit that went on for 5 years, the plaintiffs dropped the case against my husband.   See how God works!

The Lord is always with us but sometimes through all of the pain we can't see Him, feel Him or hear Him.  He is with you as well.  He is refining you for a purpose that is just for Him so He can be revealed through you!  Don't get discouraged and don't lose hope.  He is always right there by your side when you are hurting and when you are questioning.  He was right by Job's side when he questioned the Lord as well.  And what was the Lord's response to Job? "Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell Me, if you have understanding.  Job 38:4  Sometimes we are not going to understand everything that God takes us through.  We just need to be obedient and faithful to Him despite our hardships because God does not owe us anything.  And he (Job) said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked shall I return there. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; Blessed be the name of the LORD."  Job 1:21 (my emphasis)