How to Lose Your Dream Home Not Just Once, But Twice

Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and pretend I am not living this life because this is not what I had expected, yet, this is what I prayed for.   

Between being sick for so many years and now this?  The home being lost, again!   

The Lord had asked me to revisit my dreams, to live in my home once again only to have it taken away again.  My emotions fought with my spirit.  I didn’t want to question Him because I KNOW He knows what is best for me.

Let me tell you a story about,  How to Lose Your Dream Home Not Just Once But Twice.  It’s a ridiculous story, but a true one nonetheless and I can’t wait to share it with you so you can find God in the midst of your own hardships (and sometimes absurdities) of your life.

It was March of 2010 when we received the first notice from the Bank that our home was going to be sold on the courthouse steps (foreclosed upon) on April 6^th.  So we moved out and moved into a rental.  We were very blessed for our rental home and we were content there.  We had no desire to move back to our dream home on Ashbury Lane (nor did we think it was ever a possibility), instead we looked ahead to our future with hope.  That chapter of our book was now closed, we thought.  

April through August of 2010 we were able to pay our bills.  Praise the Lord!  For 5 months we were just getting by.  My health was improving and I felt wonderful.  Perhaps there was a light at the end of the tunnel after all? 

Until I turned the page of my book to September, where a visit to the Urgent Care cost us almost $400.00.  A boy's hand with a sliced finger that needed stitches was the reason.  Having no health insurance we relied on the Lord to provide, and of course He did.  But would we have enough money to pay our rent, was the thought that ran through my mind?

I continued to read on until October came.  It was during that time that my beloved was rushed to Emergency.  An EKG was ordered because of a low heart rate and a Cat Scan later revealed a kidney stone.  Thousands of dollars are now owed to the hospital, yet thankful for a healthy husband.

I now become hesitant to turn the page to November.  What's next?  Can we afford to pay rent?  The escrow my husband had been working on for months still had not closed, which meant he wouldn't get paid.  We were told by the Lender that it would close before Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving came and went but with no paycheck.  Our landlord was so gracious to us and told us to pay him when the escrow closed.  He also showed up with a small Christmas tree for our boys, in addition to gift cards for them to buy Christmas presents.  We were blown away by his generosity, empathy and compassion.  In the meantime, the property on Ashbury Lane, (my dream home) still had not sold on the courthouse steps.  The Bank kept postponing the sale of our home but we didn't understand why.  In our minds it didn't really matter to us because it wasn't like we were going to move back there. Or so we thought!

I started to think I was reading a book on horror when I came across the pages of December.  Week after week the escrow still had not closed.  In the meantime my Beloved is doing everything he can to make money to feed us and to keep the utilities on, yet some were disconnected.  Plus, it's been raining and my boy has holes in the bottom of his shoes and his socks are now getting wet.  We hardly have any money and what we do have is for food.  Jesus will provide, I tell my son.  We continue to pray for the Lord to meet our needs. 

My Beloved husband feels like a failure.  I hold him and tell him that the Lord has a plan in all of this.  “Don’t lose hope, I say.  God is moving and working on our behalf.” 

I try to encourage and affirm who he is, “Regardless of your decisions and where ever they take us, do not doubt yourself because God has anointed you as the head of the household.  I will be by your side every step of the way.”  

With tears in his eyes, he says to me, “I am like water to his thirsty soul,”

“It is not I that quenches your thirst, but the Lord, I remind him.”  Jesus replied, "If you only knew the gift God has for you and who you are speaking to, you would ask me, and I would give you living water."  John 4:10

It broke my heart to see my Knight in Shining Armor so defeated in all of this.  I couldn’t fix his problem but what I could do was pray for him and our situation and try to have a good attitude as we endured this difficult time.

The sale of the Ashbury property has now been postponed yet another month.  We receive a certified letter from the Bank.  After a phone call is made to them, they inform us that we could qualify for a loan modification but we had to be living in our property (seeing how the Bank had yet to foreclose upon our house back in April like they had told us, the home was still considered our property).  We had no desire to pack up all of our belongings and move back because we knew we would never qualify for the loan modification, plus the home could be foreclosed upon the next month!  We were hopeful that the Lord would provide for us financially so we could just stay in our rental. 

Things we owned were being sold on either Craigslist or Ebay so we would have money for food.  “God will provide all our needs”, was a constant reminder in our household. 

Our boys were told not to expect any Christmas presents from us this year because we didn’t have any money for toys.  “I am sorry boys, but you won’t be getting any Legos this year,” I said. 

It was a tough December for us.  At the beginning of the Christmas season I wrote a short e-book called, Strengthening Your Child’s Faith at Christmas and I posted a link to it on Facebook.  Unfortunately, a family member of mine decided to smear my name on Facebook because of my Christian faith which he was (and still is) hostile towards.  I sobbed.  I was so tired of being persecuted by my family for my faith. “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”  Matthew 5:10 

A few days later we hear from the neighbor kids that their parents don’t like me.  In fact, they tell our kids that their parents can’t stand us and we would probably sue them for all sorts of ridiculous reasons.  What!  That’s odd to hear, seeing how we hardly spoke to them! It still hurt my feelings.  “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”

Even though I knew what the Bible had to say and I knew we were under attack by the Enemy it was becoming more increasingly difficult to bear.  How much longer Lord?  When will the storms let up?

New Year’s Eve we decided to drive over to the Ashbury home to see the condition that it was in.  I remember that day well and it is still painful to think about it.  As others were out celebrating and ringing in the New Year with hope, I couldn’t help but think we were probably moving back to the home and enduring another move filled with even more uncertainty.  Life did not look hopeful at this time, in fact, it looked downright depressing.

After a 10 month period, what we saw was a dismal sight:

Weeds around the yard that were at least 3 feet tall

Grass, bushes and trees that were either dead or on the verge of dying due to lack of water

Our once beautiful pool was now devoid of crystal blue water; instead it was filled with trash, debris and rain water. 

We unlocked our front door and stepped into the dust covered house.  I looked around to what was once filled with many memories... birthday parties, Christmas celebrations, friends, family, fellowship. I couldn’t help but question why would the Lord bring us back to this place?  Not only was the home a depressing sight, but we soon realized that our home had been broken into as the back doors were busted and left wide open and banging in the wind.  Dust covered everything.  There was minor vandalism and theft as well.  More sorrow and pain were added to my heart that day.  Along with more work because I had to clean the place!  Could the Lord really bring us back here, I thought?

My Beloved...dismayed, disheartened and downcast.

I wanted to stop reading this book but I didn’t have a choice.  So I turned the page to January 2011, where I received more bad news.   One morning I discovered that there was something wrong with my car.  Later my Beloved takes a look at it and he said I would never believe what was wrong with it.  My response, “I would believe anything at this moment based on how our lives have been.”  He informed me that someone stole the catalytic converters off of the car.  I laughed (my other option was to cry).  That was clearly the enemy wanting to discourage us.  No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is from Me," says the LORD.  Isaiah 54:17  We later find out that parts alone for the car would cost us $3500.00.  That wasn’t in our budget!

Seeing how we had little money and the escrow still had not closed, we felt we had no other choice but to make the move back to our home on Ashbury Lane.  It was a daunting and miserable time of a move, to say the least.

Although I wanted to curl up in the fetal position and just cry, it would serve me no good.  I had a home to pack, a family to care for, my health to manage, and a ministry to run.

We got all of our things into the home around January 23^rd and the sale date of the property was scheduled for Feb. 9^th.  Less than 3 weeks and we might have to move again. 

Should I unpack our things? I thought.

What would that teach our boys?  Would my actions show them that I was trusting in Jesus if I left our things in boxes?  Or did these young souls need to see my actions showing them that I trusted in the Christ?

The Lord made it clear,  “Take your boys to Me.  Show them that you trust Me.”  He said.

So I unpacked our home knowing full well that we may have needed to get out in less than 30 days.   Yet, it wasn’t until 7 months later that we moved. 

So, we have now officially moved out of our dream house, not just once, but twice!  

At the beginning of this post I said, "this is what I prayed for", and this is what I meant by that:

 

My desire and prayer over the years that I have walked with Christ is to be closer to Him, to know Him more and to filled with His glorious presence. 

His answer: Daughter, you will lose your home…again, and you will move…again.  It will be exhausting, painful and difficult.  You will cry in anguish and you will doubt and question Me.  You will live in uncertainty and you will long for stability, but the stability that you long for is false.  I am all you need.

This is what I prayed for and it hurts (my flesh), yet my spirit sings.

But the best part of the story is yet to come!  Join me soon for Part 2 where I will tell you of the many miracles that God did during that time on our behalf!  

Plus, I will share with you what I learned about allowing God to be the main character of my story/my life, rather than me being the 'leading lady'.

 
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Sleeping in the Boat with Jesus

Do you ever get tired of living in the ‘storms’ of life?  I know I have! I have been asked that question often by other women and what I have tried to do in my own life is learn to sleep in the boat like Jesus did when He was in a storm.  (Please know that by no means am I always successful in resting in Him, but it is something that I try to be intentional about.) 

Let me explain what I mean about sleeping in the boat like Jesus.  In Matthew 8:25-26, Jesus calms the storm as the disciples start freaking out thinking they are going to die.  “Then His disciples came to Him and awoke Him, saying, "Lord, save us! We are perishing!" But He said to them, "Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?" Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.”  Matthew 8:25-26

I freaked out just like the disciples did.

So here is our Savior sleeping in the boat during a storm.  He is not fearful, nor anxious.  Jesus is not panicking, nor is He worried or concerned; in fact, He is so relaxed about the entire situation that He is taking a nap, on a boat, in a storm!  As I picture in my mind Jesus and the boys in this scenario, I can’t help but smile thinking about the situation.  I wonder why on earth would the disciples be screaming, “Lord, save us!  We are perishing!”  Don’t they know that Jesus is the One who controls the waves? “He calms the storm, so that its waves are still.”  Psalm 107:29  I mean, after all, He IS the Savior of the world and the Creator of the Universe! “Everything was created through him and for him. He existed before anything else, and he holds all creation together.”  Colossians 1:16,17 (Actually, no the disciples didn’t know who He was.)  “So the men marveled, saying, "Who can this be, that even the winds and the sea obey Him?" Matthew 8:27  (I guess after reading that verse, I shouldn’t be so hard on the boys.)

As believers, if we have been in the storms for any length of time, we are probably very aware of the above verses.  But let’s look further into this passage to see exactly what Jesus was doing with the disciples. 

Jesus had a destination in mind.  Don’t think for a minute that He just decided to go on some afternoon boating trip with the men because that was not the case.  Nor did He have plans to go sightseeing like a tourist when He got to the other side either.   The Lord had a plan and a purpose for that trip.  He knew exactly what He was doing when He got in the boat to cross that sea and He knew that the storm was coming as well. “He stirs up the sea with His power, and by His understanding He breaks up the storm.”  Job 26:12   Not only was He taking the disciples to the other side, but He also had business to take care of while He was there…His Father’s business, that is.  “When He had come to the other side, to the country of the Gergesenes, there met Him two demon-possessed men, coming out of the tombs, exceedingly fierce, so that no one could pass that way.”  And suddenly they cried out, saying, "What have we to do with You, Jesus, You Son of God? Have You come here to torment us before the time?"  Matthew 8:28,29 

Let that sight sink in for just a moment.  Not just one, but two demon-possessed men coming out of the tombs, exceedingly fierce!  Can you even imagine what was going through the disciples' minds?  One minute they think they are going to die because they might drown from the raging storm at sea and then the next minute they are staring at the faces of two demon-possessed men!  Hmmm, why I think that is a lovely way to spend an afternoon, don’t you?  (sarcasm noted.) If I had a day like that, I'd be mentally and physically exhausted, plus it would send me over the edge.  I hope the boys at least had the chance to stop off at Starbucks before they headed back into the boat!  (I have a tendency to be an emotional eater and a nice decaf, iced mocha would bring me lots of comfort! Although we all know Where the True Source of Comfort comes from.)

Wow, we think we got it bad with our trials…imagine having a day like that!  (Please note:  the Bible does not mention in this passage how long it took the disciples to get to the other side.  It could have taken more than a day.) 

As the boys witnessed all that took place in those instances, you know their faith in the Messiah must have increased. God does the same with us as He takes us through trials.  He performs miracles in our own lives all the time and He is wanting us to trust Him more and more.

The Lord has you in His boat as well and He has a course mapped out for you too.  He has a destination in mind.  Perhaps you are in the midst of sailing the ocean sea right now and the storm that you are in is raging or you have reached the other side and now you are dealing with even bigger issues.  But just like the disciples, Jesus was always there with them and He is with us as well. 

It is calm in the eye of the storm.

My encouragement to you when you are faced with those huge waves is to learn to sleep in the boat like Jesus.  You are resting in the promises of the Word of God and you are putting your complete faith in Him even when things look like they can’t get any worse. 

Here's comes the unfortunate part: it is called human nature. It is much easier to look at our circumstances rather than to look at the promises found in the Word of God.  I know, because I did just that the other day!  I freaked out like the disciples did.  

Here’s the story of how I woke Jesus up and started screaming asking Him to save me!  (If you haven’t been following my story, you can read it here at, Are Trials Really Good for Us?)  

We had just gotten a call from the real estate agent representing the Bank and she said the Bank is offering us some cash to move out of our house in 30 days.  Did I say I freaked out?  Because I did and I slept only 3 hours that night!  Seeing how we are cash-challenged right now, it was great to hear that the Bank was going to offer us money to move out, but in the meantime, we do not have any money to pay for the first month's rent and a deposit for a new place.  We needed money before we moved out AND we needed to find a place that would rent to us!  Our situation looked bleak.  The next morning I headed off to church to serve for VBS and while there I saw my dear friend and I told her of the news.  Then I cried.  I knew Jesus would take care of us but I couldn’t keep my eyes on Him and I was having such a difficult time resting in Him…I kept trying but the waves of my storm looked enormous!  

Over and over in my mind that day I would remind myself to sleep in the boat like Jesus and here were my thoughts: 

“Don’t worry.” 

“The Lord will take care of it.” 

“He will show up and help us.  I don’t know how, but I know He will.”  

"He is the Miracle Maker." 

"Get my eyes off of the situation and go serve Him."

“Keep my mind on Him.”  You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!  Isaiah 26:3

That was my spirit-talk that morning. That was me trying as best as I could to sleep in the boat with Jesus during my storm.  If I didn't do that I would have crumbled. Most likely I would have left the day of serving in VBS so I could serve myself, or should I say, cater to my feelings of worry and anxiety; which produces nothing except more doubt.

That morning friends prayed for me. “Call on me in prayer and I will show you great and mysterious things that you do not know about.” Jeremiah 33:3 

Later that day Jesus rebuked the winds and the waves of my storm!  (Hello people, that’s less than 24 hours of God interceding on our behalf!)  The Lord moved incredibly quick and calmed the sea.  Maybe because He knew I was tired of sailing in shark-infested waters for so many years and I was now becoming sea sick!  It's a beautiful story of God’s hand of faithfulness.  The Miracle Maker showed up once again.  (You can read more about the Miracle Maker here at, God is Bigger Than Our Credit Score.) 

Oh, why did I worry? Hadn't He shown me enough miracles that I needn't not fret again?

Here's some application for you:  

Trust and faith were being built in the disciples' lives that day when they were in the storm.   Jesus reveled to them Who He was when He calmed the sea.  (He wasn't just another one of their fishing buddies, nor was He just a good teacher...He was showing them that He was the Messiah!)  The disciples needed to see that, because later they were faced with even more difficulties when the encountered the demon-possessed men.  One of the reasons why Jesus took them through those things was so when He left this earth the disciples would testify of all that Christ had done.  He was preparing His boys to go out and preach the Good News and build His church.

Trust and faith are being built in your life and mine as we go through the storms as well.  Jesus reveals Himself to us when He performs miracles in our lives too, but some miracles that we experience are unfortunately attached to our storms. We need to be reminded that Jesus is our Savior and Messiah so we can go out and share the Good News and build His church while we are still here on earth, because that, my friend, is our purpose in life.  "And I, if I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all peoples to Myself." John 12:32

When I have more time to write I will share with you how God moved in our lives.  But for now, I have some packing to do!

Learn to sleep in the boat with Jesus, 

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My Weakening Faith

Hello friend!

Spiritually speaking this is a difficult post for me to write.  Not because I don't want to share my pain with you but because the words that I have penned here are a reminder of a time in my life when my faith in Christ was starting diminish, and quite frankly, those are not memories that I like to relive.  Gasp!  Did I just say that?  I am a Christian woman and I shouldn't say those things!!!  Well, if you have been reading my blog for any amount of time now you have probably figured out that I am REAL!  I share my feelings and emotions, my failures, my pain and my sin.  My 'life is perfect' mask is NOT on!

Where was my Savior in all of this?

I believe with all my heart that this is a post that needs to be written because I feel there are many Christian women out in the world today who are hurting and they have been crying out to the Lord, and yet, because of their trials and afflictions, their faith is starting to weaken as well.  I pray that this article comes at a time that you need to be encouraged to press on in your faith.

If you missed my last post, Aching Inside, you can read it here because it goes along with this story.

I wish I could write and tell you that the new treatment that I received was easy and I felt great immediately, but that was not the case. In fact, I felt worse rather than better for several weeks on end. During the acupuncture treatments, as the doctor would place the needles in me, she would then hook electricity up to the needles that were in my body because she said my health condition was so severe. (And no, it is not normal to be hooked up to electricity!)

While we were paying hundreds of dollars for this treatment, our home was still in foreclosure and now our utility bills were becoming overdue. The water was almost turned off one morning but we were able to prevent it, however, that same afternoon the power went out in the house and I thought it was because of the rain we were having, but that was not the reason! It was our unpaid, overdue bill.  It was a long night without any light, electricity and heat. My husband felt like a failure once again because of our financial demise and I felt physically worse, yet, I did not want him to see the pain on my face because of how my body was feeling. I was at year 8 of my physical, long-suffering and my beloved husband was only at year 2 of his time in the dry desert, so I wanted to lift him up when he was down rather than the other way around.

Although we were still faithfully following Christ and serving in ministry, I could not help but wonder where my Savior was in all of this? I knew He brought me to this new doctor but now I was filled will doubt and confusion based on how I felt physically along with our lack of money. I couldn’t help but wonder if we made the right choice? Did I hear Him correctly? I believed so at the time. "For God is not the author of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints." 1 Corinthians 14:33  We continued on in my treatment and had blind faith that I would be physically restored regardless of how grim our situation looked.

I knew to just rest in Christ and be faithful, but our life looked so bleak that I started to look around at all of the storm clouds that were surrounding us. How were we going to survive, I thought? “You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.” Isaiah 26:3 Unfortunately, I did not keep my mind on Jesus and therefore, I did not have peace which ultimately weakened my faith.  (It breaks my heart to write those words because this situation took place in the year of 2009, and being that it is 2 years later, I am obviously aware of the outcome!)  I feared our outcome when I shouldn’t have. "Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows." Matthew 10:31

Even though my beloved was a real estate broker, he took any odd job that came his way so he could provide for us. We never knew how much money we were going to receive on a daily basis so we just had to live day by day, relying on the Lord for our sustenance.  Soon, God blessed my beloved with the opportunity to work at my doctor’s office to install counter tops, paint cabinets and do various tasks in trade for a couple months’ worth of my treatment. Once again, there was no reason for me to fear and doubt what God was doing in our lives. He was providing for us.

"Cast your burden on the LORD, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved." Psalm 55:22 As God calls His children ‘the righteous’, unfortunately, this righteous person was starting to be moved (and in the wrong direction!) I was trying to cast my burdens on Him but I was so physically, mentally and emotionally overwhelmed in all of our trials and pain.  May faith was beginning to weaken and I was heading into a time of dark despair and denial of Christ.  (I will share about that in my next post at Before the Rooster Crows)

If there is anything I can say to help prevent a sister from heading down the path that I was once on, it would  be this:
Do the best you can to keep your eyes on Jesus because He is with you. He has a plan for all that you are going through. Don’t doubt what He is doing in your life. He knows how much you are suffering and He will help you get through it!  Continue to stay in His Word.  Be in fellowship and be prayed for!

I don’t know your trials or your pain. Perhaps He is refining you. "I have refined you, but not as silver is refined. Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering." Isaiah 48:10

I will leave you with this beautiful story called, Refining Silver by an unknown author. It ministered to my heart so much that I just had to share it with you!

Refining Silver

Some time ago, a few ladies met in a certain city to read the scriptures, and make them the subject of conversation. While reading the third chapter of Malachi they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse: "And He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." One lady's opinion was that is was intended to convey the view of the sanctifying influence of the grace of Christ. Then she proposed to visit a silversmith and report to them what he said on the subject.

She went accordingly and without telling the object of her errand, begged to know the process of refining silver, which he fully described to her.

"But Sir" she said, "do you sit while the work of refining is going on?" "Oh, yes, madam," replied the silversmith; "I must sit with my eye steadily fixed on the furnace, for if the time necessary for refining be exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured."

The lady at once saw the beauty, and comfort too, of the expression, "He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

Christ sees it needful to put His children into a furnace; His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for them. Their trials do not come at random; "the very hairs of your head are all numbered."

As the lady was leaving the shop, the silversmith called her back, and said he had forgotten to mention that the only way that he knows when the process of purifying is complete is when he sees his own image reflected in the silver....

--Author Unknown

Keep your eyes on Jesus!

Aching Inside

Well, hello friend!

Sorry it has been awhile since I wrote last.  I was under the weather for a few days…but God usually speaks to me when I am down and out so that’s a blessing in itself!  Isn’t it amazing how much we can hear from Him when we are forced to slow down?

Goodness gracious, every time I think I have finished sharing my story with you, I hear the Lord speak to me, “Share more! Tell your sisters of your struggles and your pain and show them My hand of faithfulness in all of it.  I often think who wants to hear about my grief because after all, everyone has problems of their own.  Yet, God has made it clear to me to write this and I need to remember that it is He that I write for, my audience of One, but I do hope it encourages you none the less!

If you missed my last posts you can read them here at, The Refiner's Fire and Lord, Why on Earth Would You Allow This?(The Refiner's Fire Part II).

I left off telling you about my health trial and our financial trials colliding.  Without writing a book about all of those details I thought I would share a few situations of my pain along with God’s hand upon our lives in the midst of the black, stormy clouds that were surrounding us.

With my failing health, I needed some form of a new treatment and having no health insurance and little money, I must admit I was not hopeful about my situation.  Of course I prayed and cried out to the Lord.  I had done that for so many years regarding my physical pain and illnesses that I often wondered if He heard me. "O LORD, how long shall I cry, and You will not hear?"  Habakkuk 1:2  

I had no doubt in my mind that Christ, the Great Physician, could do a miracle in my body.  Yet, year after year, healing in my body did not take place. “So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.  Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away.  Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”  2 Corinthians 12:7-9  During those years, I was having a hard time living off of 'just His grace', even though His Word said, “My grace is all you need.”

My King in Shining Armor rode up on His horse to save me.

So, with depression and despair starting to set in once again….what does God do?  He rides in on His big white horse to save the day!  He led me to a doctor even when I wasn’t looking for one!  No health insurance and hardly any money remember, so why would I be looking for a doctor?  Let me share with you about what Our King in Shining Armor did for His princess.

For about 2 weeks the Lord had prompted me to go see a certain doctor in the town that we live in.  It was a rather odd nudging from the Lord, after all, I had never met this doctor, nor knew of his practices PLUS, we could not afford it!  Each night as I would go to bed, (that’s when I would hear the Lord speak to me the most…you know those quiet moments without any distractions), over and over, He would tell me to go see this particular doctor.  I, of course, would argue with God and remind Him that it was not financially feasible to be treated by this doctor.  It was a ridiculous idea that I battled with for awhile.  I shared with my husband all that the Lord was telling me and then one day my beloved Solomon, my husband, said to go see this new doctor and not to worry about the money.   So I went.

This doctor practiced Chinese medicine which is a combination of acupuncture, medicinal tea designed specifically for your body and your issues along with herbal supplements.  After all of the other treatments that I had been through, the acupuncture did not scare me.  However, I was VERY skeptical, yet I still had an ounce of hope that I would find healing at this place, after all, Jesus sent me there!

I met with this very mild-mannered and humbled doctor and he gave me what is referred to in his practice of medicine, a ‘body scan’ which is nothing like a body scan in western medicine; they are two completely different types of scans.  Now as I sat in his office I was very cynical thinking this man is not going to be able to help me.  He did not have any of my test scores or blood results to refer to, just his little scan. 

He asked me who referred me to his office.  My response, “The Lord.”  (Plain and simple.  I did not care what he thought of me.)  The doctor looked at me somewhat puzzled by my response.  Again, I said, "The Lord, no one else".  Then he just smiled and nodded his head.

He read the results of my scan and with complete certainty he said I was very sick and I had been sick for a long time.  He now had my full attention.  He went on to tell me I had a virus that was destroying all of my organs.  Now my ears perked up.  I knew I had a virus, one that many doctors could not treat and a virus that I had for several years.  So, what did I do?  I tested the doctor to see if he knew what he was talking about! (Remember, I was skeptical.)

I asked him, “What is the name of the virus?”

He proceeded to tell me its name and I said, “You are right, I do have that virus.”

He dropped my chart on his desk and looked at me with shock and surprise.  “How do you know this, he asked?”

“I was tested for it many years ago, but the doctor who tested me for it shortly died after I received my results”, I said.

His wife read my results over her husband’s shoulder and with a disgusted tone, she asked me, “How much alcohol do you drink?”

“None, I don’t even drink soda”, was my reply.

Again he said, “You are very sick and you have been sick for a very long time and your liver is very bad.”  I told him I knew about my liver because of recent test results but my doctor at the time was unable to fix my problem.

This man knew my body as if he had been treating me for years.  He understood all of my organ issues and told me they were all related.  After all that I heard from him, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God brought me directly to this doctor. 

“The treatment will be long, but I can heal you”, he said.

I sat there right in his office and broke down and cried.  “In my distress I cried to the Lord, and He heard me.”  Psalm 120:1  I cried for two different reasons.  One, I finally had a doctor who knew how serious my problems were AND he knew how to treat them.  Two, we had no money for me to get the treatment I needed.  After all these years with no answers, we finally had an answer, but no means to fix the problem.  In one instant I went from feeling ecstatic to feeling discouraged and hopeless.

We spoke some more, and come to find out that this doctor is none other than a born-again, committed Christian!  My soul was singing, yet, in my mind I felt somewhat cheated.  It was like the Lord was showing me all these good things but in my world, my reality, I could not have them.

We will take care of you here.  You are family.  You are my sister, he said.  I wept again. (Awe, that still brings tears to my eyes as I write this!)

The treatment was still very expensive even with their help.  I did not know how we were going to afford $900 a month, every month for the next year.  I came home saddened and frustrated as I shared all the information with my husband.  I did not want to be a burden to him.  I knew he was already feeling overwhelmed with having the home in foreclosure and not knowing how he was going to provide for his family with just the basic necessities of our lives.

Now, here comes the sound of the horses’ hooves galloping to my rescue, again…A few days later, as I returned from a trip to the store, I pulled up into my driveway and I see my Knight in Shining Armor polishing the sports car that he had owned for 10 years.  I could tell before I even got out of my car what my husband was doing.  He was sprucing it up so he could sell it.  He enjoyed his little car and he worked hard for it so I knew it was a sacrifice for him to let it go on my behalf.  (We all know how men can be with their sports cars!)  He told me to go get the treatment that I needed because he was selling his car.  Again I wept, not only did I feel the love from my King in Shining Armor but my Knight as well, and both were a love I did not deserve.  It was unfortunate that my faith in the One True God had started to diminish because there was no need for that to happen. “And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"  Matthew 14:31 

"The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep.   John 10:10-11  I love how these two verses are side by side in this passage.  Jesus is pointing out how the enemy is working hard to take us down, but the Lord reminds us of WHO He is and the type of life that we would have with Him as our Good Shepherd.

This is what I want you to remember when you go through difficult times in your own life: 

You are God’s princess and He is your King in Shining Armor.  He won’t let you down.  He will rescue you in your time of need even when you don't feel like He is going to show up. 

He has not forgotten about you.  Cling to His promises.  Be in His Word so you can be encouraged in your faith.  “So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.”  Romans 10:17

Be still.  Wait and listen for His voice.  He will lead you if you are willing to be led.

Listen for the sound of His horse, because He is coming!

Lord, Why on Earth Would You Allow This? (The Refiner's Fire Part 2)

First, let me begin by telling you I had no intentions of writing this post anytime soon because, quite honestly, I did not want to mentally and emotionally relive the past feelings of my life where I experienced so much physical pain, long-suffering, hopelessness and times of despair as I walked with the Lord.  I knew at some point the Lord would have me share this part of my life with you, but I did not think it would be written now, in the middle of me telling you about our financial trials!  In fact, every time I’ve thought about writing on this subject matter, I would come to tears.  Just the other day as I was having a hard time coping with the reality that the Lord was going to have me face those many years of brokenness, I cried to Him and said, “Can’t you use my strengths instead of my weaknesses?   I am sure He was probably smiling down on me when I said that!   "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Lord, why on earth would you allow this?  I can’t tell you how many times I have asked the Lord that question.  All I’ve wanted to do since I gave my heart to Him was serve Him.  When I married, I wanted to make sure I lived a life where I brought respect and honor to my husband and that I served him as well.  When I had my children, I desired to raise them in the Lord as I spent time homeschooling them and teaching them to build God’s kingdom.  I did not understand why the Lord would allow my body to have one disease and disorder after another and for so many years.  But God had a plan in all of my pain and there was a purpose for it!

The story below was the beginning of my refining process.  If you missed part 1 of The Refiner's Fire you can read it here, just click on the link.

So because of God’s grace, I will briefly share my weaknesses. 

The pain was unbearable.  When would it end?

It was 1998.  I had been saved for almost 2 years and married for one month.  I received a call from my doctor telling me I had pre-cancerous cells of my cervix and I needed laser surgery.  They were not sure if I would be able to have children as a result of the damage to my cervix.  I was not expecting to hear those words!  Here's God's hand in the midst of the heartache, fears, lost dreams and pain.  About a year later I became pregnant with my firstborn son and 1 year after he was born, I was pregnant with my second child.

However, little did I know that during my first pregnancy, a host of illnesses were brewing in my body and they were about to explode.  Over a 10 year period of time I saw one doctor after another for all of the diseases and disorders that were manifesting in my body.  There were days that my husband would send his assistant up to our house to watch my babies just so I could get some rest.  The night before I did not get any sleep due to severe joint pain, infections or vomiting which prevented me from getting any rest.  Many weeks I saw doctor after doctor for treatment after treatment.  For a two month period of time I saw 4 different doctors per week to help restore my health.  Below is a list of doctors that had treated me over the years:

·       A doctor of internal medicine

·       A rheumatologist

·       An ophthalmologist

·       Several gynecologists

·       A gastroenterologist

·       A clinical nutritionist

·       An alternative medicine doctor

·       A dentist to treat Periodontal Gum Disease

·       A physical therapist

·       An alternative medicine doctor for PMS and thyroid disorders

·       A doctor of Chinese medicine accompanied with acupuncture

During my time with them, they diagnosed me with:

·   An autoimmune disease of my glands known as Sjorgren’s syndrome.  As a result of this syndrome, I was unable to nurse my children but I did not know that at the time.  I had chronic fatigue and chronic joint pain.  I was constantly sick and I was starting to have vision problems.  The doctor told me I had abrasions on my eyes due to lack of moisture because my glands were not functioning, so he plugged my tear ducts.  I was also diagnosed as having border-line Lupus which is also an autoimmune disease, along with fibromyalgia and IBS.  Life long drugs were their answer to all my problems.  (We decided it was best for us to seek alternative treatment.)

·      In the alternative world of medicine I was treated for Candida Albicans which is an overgrowth of yeast in one’s body that can destroy the immune system.  During the course of 1 ½ years, I took over 90 pills a day which were natural supplements and my diet was restricted to protein and veggies.  (It was enjoyable to say the least.) sarcasm noted

·      Along with Candida, I was diagnosed with Leaky Gut Syndrome, because I had microscopic tears in my intestinal lining, and if that wasn't enough, I was also Insulin Resistance which was a precursor to Diabetes.

·       At one point in my life I was rushed to the ER by ambulance because I was doubled over in pain, unable to stand and I was constantly vomiting.  We thought my appendix might have burst.  After an ultrasound, a vaginal ultrasound and a CAT scan, they found that I had a ruptured ovarian cyst.  Little did I know I would experience that pain every month for the next 6 months.  I was soon diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.  My hormones were severely out of balance which caused an ongoing, monthly depression just before my menstrual cycle.  On top of all of that, my entire endocrine system was bogged down and I was functioning off of my adrenal glands which caused a lot of the chronic fatigue, the anxiousness and irritability.

·      In addition to everything else that was going on in my body, for 1 ½ years I had a severe vaginal and rectal infection that greatly hindered my ability to just get through the day.  The doctors had never seen anything like it and they did not know what it was.  (That was comforting to hear.) Just 1 month after my rush to the E.R. for my ovarian cyst, I had a Colonoscopy at age 34 to find out the cause of the rectal infection, yet, they could not see everything because of a blockage in my small intestine.  (Hmmm, I guess all of the years of chronic constipation would create a blockage!)  Again, no answers and no relief.   The medication that the docs gave me for my vaginal infection caused me to break out over my entire body with hives.  It was a Mother’s Day I would never forget.  I couldn’t take any more pain.  I felt like it was killing me.  All I longed to do is go home to be with Jesus.  That Sunday morning, my husband took me to the elders of the church for prayer and oil.   “Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord.”  James 5:14

Throughout those long and painful 10 years, I had treatments that would range from:

·       6 months of nightly enemas with probiotics in them.  (I was 33 years old at the time and I felt like I was living in a body of an 80 year old woman.)

·    Taking natural progesterone that was injected into me rectally 3 times a day for at least 5 years because of my ovarian cysts.

·       I gave myself weekly B-12 shots in hopes that the fatigue would go away.

·     I was hooked up to an IV once a week for 8 weeks for chelation treatments hoping to rid my body of toxins.

·      At one point, my blood was run routinely through an IV that was under a UV ray light in hopes that the light rays would kill off any viruses in my body.

·      Not to mention all the disgusting green drinks and restrictive diets that I had to be on in order to restore my health.  (Eating soup with chicken feet in it was not enjoyable!)

Because we sought alternative medicine, the office visits, treatments and supplements were not covered by our insurance.  For 1 ½ years the cost for my health would range from $1000-$1500 per month.  Over the next 5 years, that number would decrease to $800 and then to $300 per month. There were days that I was becoming healthier.  One day in particular, I can remember the excitement I had as I shared with my husband that I was able to make my young boys lunch!

During year 5 of my health journey, I prayed for contentment.  "Now godliness with contentment is great gain."  1 Timothy 6:6  I was tired of trying to restore my health and I no longer wanted it to be such a huge focus of my life.  I had to come to grips with the fact that I could not have the life that I longed for based on my physical limitations and I did not want my pursuit of health to become my idol.  For a few years my body was stable as long as I was still taking my supplements and limiting my diet, so I timidly stepped out to serve the Lord as we started a new ministry. 

But shortly things got worse and they got worse at the wrong time!  My body started to decline once again and the supplements were no longer maintaining my health.  We were starting to have financial trials, (read The Refiner's Fire to know more about them,) and the cost of $300 a month for supplements that were no longer working did not seem like a wise purchase.

My health trial and our financial trials collided.  I did not know what to do.  I was becoming sicker and sicker and more of my organs were starting to shut down.  We had no health insurance and we maybe had $300 to our name.  Our home was now in foreclosure and I now had more responsibilities due to the new ministry.  I felt like I was drowning trying to manage all that was needed in my home because of the additional financial hardships as well.  Lord, why on earth would you allow this?

It is funny how our journey with the Lord is called our 'Christian walk'.  To me, it felt like a 'crawl'.  I never felt like I was in an upright position pursuing Jesus.  I was so broken and feeble that I daily had to crawl to Him. 

"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.  For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer." 2 Corinthians 1:4-6

God's hand of faithfulness has always been upon us even when I did not understand why God was taking us through this major storm.  When the IRS audited us, they found that they owed us several thousand dollars and the lawsuit that went on for 5 years, the plaintiffs dropped the case against my husband.   See how God works!

The Lord is always with us but sometimes through all of the pain we can't see Him, feel Him or hear Him.  He is with you as well.  He is refining you for a purpose that is just for Him so He can be revealed through you!  Don't get discouraged and don't lose hope.  He is always right there by your side when you are hurting and when you are questioning.  He was right by Job's side when he questioned the Lord as well.  And what was the Lord's response to Job? "Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell Me, if you have understanding.  Job 38:4  Sometimes we are not going to understand everything that God takes us through.  We just need to be obedient and faithful to Him despite our hardships because God does not owe us anything.  And he (Job) said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked shall I return there. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; Blessed be the name of the LORD."  Job 1:21 (my emphasis)

The Refiner's Fire

I felt it was time to start sharing with you some of the things the Lord has taken my family and I through over the last 3 ½ years since I realized that some of the posts that I have written to you lately have just given you bits and pieces of our lives.  

In the fall of 2007 my husband and I started a new ministry and along with creating that organization we took on the responsibility of discipling a group of teenagers during the course of the school year.  (I share this bit of our lives with you to remind you that we are in a spiritual battle.)  As we stepped out in faith to serve the Lord and minister to others, Satan was seeking to destroy every bit of our efforts. 

My husband has been self-employed since he was 18.  He has been in real estate for the last 15 years.  As soon as we stepped out in faith in these areas of ministry we experienced one trial after another.  

I would remind Eric to let God be his Advocate.

• ·       The first one was a four year lawsuit.  It was real estate related, and the suit was filed by the buyer of a property, against my husband and the sellers of the property.  The sellers did not tell the buyers, or my husband, about special restrictions on the property, although they stated in writing that there were not any restrictions, (they lied in writing).  By the way, the sellers were Believers and it was their lie that caused the action.  What made matters worse, the seller’s attorney told my husband that he found no fault in my husband’s actions but they had to file a cross claim on him any way so he could protect his clients.  After the buyers had purchased the home, and after they found out about the restrictions, they fraudulently refinanced the home twice to spend large amounts of money on personal items and wanted my husband to foot the bill.  All of this did not sit to well with my husband and I but what could we do?  Anyway, we paid an attorney our last $5,000 to represent us in this case.  That money lasted about 3 weeks.  From that point on my husband had to learn how to legally represent himself for the remainder of the case without the legal knowledge needed to do so.  

 

• ·    Within a 45 day period, the real estate industry and the equity that sellers had (the clients my husband dealt with) came to a screeching halt, DEAD!

• ·       About a month or two after the lawsuit was in full swing, we received notice from the IRS of an audit for a preceding year.  The focus of the audit was the amount of our deducted ‘contributions’ (tithes) for that year.  The IRS said they were too high and thus, they investigated us.

• ·       At this time, the “Do Not Call” telephone policy was in effect.  My husband had followed up with a property inquiry from a lady from four months earlier, and promptly received a letter from the Federal Trade Commission threatening to fine him $11,000.  Even though she contacted him first, the law says that he cannot contact her any later than 90 days.  This now means that he cannot contact any past clients, contacts, leads, etc. if they had not contacted him first within the last 90 days.  On top of the market woes, this completely shut down the way he had made a living for the past 11 years.

• ·     Finances were strained, so cutting business costs were the natural next step.  He proceeded to reduce the number of phone lines he had to lower his business expenses.  The phone company said that only for $8,000 they would let him change his contract and reduce the number of lines.  He didn’t have the money.  He couldn’t afford the high business phone bill as it was, so he lost his business telephone number.  This was the number that all of his past clients knew for the past 11 years.  Now, he can’t call them, and they can’t call him…it was tough to do business that way!

I can’t tell you how many times I wondered about what was going to happen to our family based on our current situation.  We were never late on a mortgage payment and at the time our credit scores were high, but soon, that all changed and our property went into default.  I did not understand why this was all happening to us.  We tried to live an obedient, God-fearing life, yet, I felt like the Lord had forsaken us in ALL these situations.  

My husband would often say to me he felt like a failure and my heart would break for him.  There wasn't anything I could do for him financially because we had made the choice when we were engaged to have our roles as husband and wife line up with the Word of God, i.e., the husband was to toil the field (work) and the wife was to raise the kids and keep the home.  

We had family and friends encourage me to get a job so we could save our home.  To myself, I would laugh at that thought!  In essence, it was as if they were saying it was more important for us to save our physical house which was built with wood, hay, and stubble, rather than keep our family unit, the relationships that our Maker designed for us, in tact. "Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; "but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:19-21  I would remind them I already had a full-time job which was helping my husband, raising and homeschooling my children and keeping our home.  The last thing I wanted to do in the midst of this raging, tsunami of a storm, was go out and leave my family.  My husband needed my encouragement and support.  He needed me standing by him no matter what happened to us financially.  He didn't need me to come home with a paycheck to make him feel like he was some loser who couldn't provide for his own family.  "The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands."  Proverbs 14:1  I was placed by his side to lift him up, not tear him down. 

So, that is what I tried to do.  I would pray for him and talk with him and listen to his hurts and frustrations.  As I would spend time daily reading the Word, there were times that the Lord would prompt me to read those verses to my husband as well.  Reading the Scriptures to him soon became an on-going way of life for many months to come.  My husband knew by me taking the time out of my day to pour into him spiritually I was telling him that I believed in him, I loved him, I respected him and I would always be by his side no matter what trial came our way.

We often had discussions about what would happen if we lost our home and where would we go if we had no money.  We had said that if it ever got so bad for us financially, the boys and I would go live at a homeless shelter for women and children and my husband would sleep in his truck parked outside of the shelter so he could still be with us.  We were determined to live our lives built on the Word of God no matter how uncomfortable it would be for us and no matter what those in the world had to say about it!  We did not care what others thought, we cared about what God thought.  According to the grace of God which was given to me, as a wise master builder I have laid the foundation, and another builds on it. But let each one take heed how he builds on it. For no other foundation can anyone lay than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ. Now if anyone builds on this foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw, each one's work will become clear; for the Day will declare it, because it will be revealed by fire; and the fire will test each one's work, of what sort it is. If anyone's work which he has built on it endures, he will receive a reward. 1 Corinthians 3:10-14.

The story has not ended, there is more fire to come and you can read more about here:  Lord, Why on Earth Would You Allow This? (The Refiner's Fire Part 2)