How to Lose Your Dream Home Not Just Once, But Twice

Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and pretend I am not living this life because this is not what I had expected, yet, this is what I prayed for.   

Between being sick for so many years and now this?  The home being lost, again!   

The Lord had asked me to revisit my dreams, to live in my home once again only to have it taken away again.  My emotions fought with my spirit.  I didn’t want to question Him because I KNOW He knows what is best for me.

Let me tell you a story about,  How to Lose Your Dream Home Not Just Once But Twice.  It’s a ridiculous story, but a true one nonetheless and I can’t wait to share it with you so you can find God in the midst of your own hardships (and sometimes absurdities) of your life.

It was March of 2010 when we received the first notice from the Bank that our home was going to be sold on the courthouse steps (foreclosed upon) on April 6^th.  So we moved out and moved into a rental.  We were very blessed for our rental home and we were content there.  We had no desire to move back to our dream home on Ashbury Lane (nor did we think it was ever a possibility), instead we looked ahead to our future with hope.  That chapter of our book was now closed, we thought.  

April through August of 2010 we were able to pay our bills.  Praise the Lord!  For 5 months we were just getting by.  My health was improving and I felt wonderful.  Perhaps there was a light at the end of the tunnel after all? 

Until I turned the page of my book to September, where a visit to the Urgent Care cost us almost $400.00.  A boy's hand with a sliced finger that needed stitches was the reason.  Having no health insurance we relied on the Lord to provide, and of course He did.  But would we have enough money to pay our rent, was the thought that ran through my mind?

I continued to read on until October came.  It was during that time that my beloved was rushed to Emergency.  An EKG was ordered because of a low heart rate and a Cat Scan later revealed a kidney stone.  Thousands of dollars are now owed to the hospital, yet thankful for a healthy husband.

I now become hesitant to turn the page to November.  What's next?  Can we afford to pay rent?  The escrow my husband had been working on for months still had not closed, which meant he wouldn't get paid.  We were told by the Lender that it would close before Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving came and went but with no paycheck.  Our landlord was so gracious to us and told us to pay him when the escrow closed.  He also showed up with a small Christmas tree for our boys, in addition to gift cards for them to buy Christmas presents.  We were blown away by his generosity, empathy and compassion.  In the meantime, the property on Ashbury Lane, (my dream home) still had not sold on the courthouse steps.  The Bank kept postponing the sale of our home but we didn't understand why.  In our minds it didn't really matter to us because it wasn't like we were going to move back there. Or so we thought!

I started to think I was reading a book on horror when I came across the pages of December.  Week after week the escrow still had not closed.  In the meantime my Beloved is doing everything he can to make money to feed us and to keep the utilities on, yet some were disconnected.  Plus, it's been raining and my boy has holes in the bottom of his shoes and his socks are now getting wet.  We hardly have any money and what we do have is for food.  Jesus will provide, I tell my son.  We continue to pray for the Lord to meet our needs. 

My Beloved husband feels like a failure.  I hold him and tell him that the Lord has a plan in all of this.  “Don’t lose hope, I say.  God is moving and working on our behalf.” 

I try to encourage and affirm who he is, “Regardless of your decisions and where ever they take us, do not doubt yourself because God has anointed you as the head of the household.  I will be by your side every step of the way.”  

With tears in his eyes, he says to me, “I am like water to his thirsty soul,”

“It is not I that quenches your thirst, but the Lord, I remind him.”  Jesus replied, "If you only knew the gift God has for you and who you are speaking to, you would ask me, and I would give you living water."  John 4:10

It broke my heart to see my Knight in Shining Armor so defeated in all of this.  I couldn’t fix his problem but what I could do was pray for him and our situation and try to have a good attitude as we endured this difficult time.

The sale of the Ashbury property has now been postponed yet another month.  We receive a certified letter from the Bank.  After a phone call is made to them, they inform us that we could qualify for a loan modification but we had to be living in our property (seeing how the Bank had yet to foreclose upon our house back in April like they had told us, the home was still considered our property).  We had no desire to pack up all of our belongings and move back because we knew we would never qualify for the loan modification, plus the home could be foreclosed upon the next month!  We were hopeful that the Lord would provide for us financially so we could just stay in our rental. 

Things we owned were being sold on either Craigslist or Ebay so we would have money for food.  “God will provide all our needs”, was a constant reminder in our household. 

Our boys were told not to expect any Christmas presents from us this year because we didn’t have any money for toys.  “I am sorry boys, but you won’t be getting any Legos this year,” I said. 

It was a tough December for us.  At the beginning of the Christmas season I wrote a short e-book called, Strengthening Your Child’s Faith at Christmas and I posted a link to it on Facebook.  Unfortunately, a family member of mine decided to smear my name on Facebook because of my Christian faith which he was (and still is) hostile towards.  I sobbed.  I was so tired of being persecuted by my family for my faith. “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”  Matthew 5:10 

A few days later we hear from the neighbor kids that their parents don’t like me.  In fact, they tell our kids that their parents can’t stand us and we would probably sue them for all sorts of ridiculous reasons.  What!  That’s odd to hear, seeing how we hardly spoke to them! It still hurt my feelings.  “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”

Even though I knew what the Bible had to say and I knew we were under attack by the Enemy it was becoming more increasingly difficult to bear.  How much longer Lord?  When will the storms let up?

New Year’s Eve we decided to drive over to the Ashbury home to see the condition that it was in.  I remember that day well and it is still painful to think about it.  As others were out celebrating and ringing in the New Year with hope, I couldn’t help but think we were probably moving back to the home and enduring another move filled with even more uncertainty.  Life did not look hopeful at this time, in fact, it looked downright depressing.

After a 10 month period, what we saw was a dismal sight:

Weeds around the yard that were at least 3 feet tall

Grass, bushes and trees that were either dead or on the verge of dying due to lack of water

Our once beautiful pool was now devoid of crystal blue water; instead it was filled with trash, debris and rain water. 

We unlocked our front door and stepped into the dust covered house.  I looked around to what was once filled with many memories... birthday parties, Christmas celebrations, friends, family, fellowship. I couldn’t help but question why would the Lord bring us back to this place?  Not only was the home a depressing sight, but we soon realized that our home had been broken into as the back doors were busted and left wide open and banging in the wind.  Dust covered everything.  There was minor vandalism and theft as well.  More sorrow and pain were added to my heart that day.  Along with more work because I had to clean the place!  Could the Lord really bring us back here, I thought?

My Beloved...dismayed, disheartened and downcast.

I wanted to stop reading this book but I didn’t have a choice.  So I turned the page to January 2011, where I received more bad news.   One morning I discovered that there was something wrong with my car.  Later my Beloved takes a look at it and he said I would never believe what was wrong with it.  My response, “I would believe anything at this moment based on how our lives have been.”  He informed me that someone stole the catalytic converters off of the car.  I laughed (my other option was to cry).  That was clearly the enemy wanting to discourage us.  No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is from Me," says the LORD.  Isaiah 54:17  We later find out that parts alone for the car would cost us $3500.00.  That wasn’t in our budget!

Seeing how we had little money and the escrow still had not closed, we felt we had no other choice but to make the move back to our home on Ashbury Lane.  It was a daunting and miserable time of a move, to say the least.

Although I wanted to curl up in the fetal position and just cry, it would serve me no good.  I had a home to pack, a family to care for, my health to manage, and a ministry to run.

We got all of our things into the home around January 23^rd and the sale date of the property was scheduled for Feb. 9^th.  Less than 3 weeks and we might have to move again. 

Should I unpack our things? I thought.

What would that teach our boys?  Would my actions show them that I was trusting in Jesus if I left our things in boxes?  Or did these young souls need to see my actions showing them that I trusted in the Christ?

The Lord made it clear,  “Take your boys to Me.  Show them that you trust Me.”  He said.

So I unpacked our home knowing full well that we may have needed to get out in less than 30 days.   Yet, it wasn’t until 7 months later that we moved. 

So, we have now officially moved out of our dream house, not just once, but twice!  

At the beginning of this post I said, "this is what I prayed for", and this is what I meant by that:

 

My desire and prayer over the years that I have walked with Christ is to be closer to Him, to know Him more and to filled with His glorious presence. 

His answer: Daughter, you will lose your home…again, and you will move…again.  It will be exhausting, painful and difficult.  You will cry in anguish and you will doubt and question Me.  You will live in uncertainty and you will long for stability, but the stability that you long for is false.  I am all you need.

This is what I prayed for and it hurts (my flesh), yet my spirit sings.

But the best part of the story is yet to come!  Join me soon for Part 2 where I will tell you of the many miracles that God did during that time on our behalf!  

Plus, I will share with you what I learned about allowing God to be the main character of my story/my life, rather than me being the 'leading lady'.

 
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Not My Will, But Yours Be Done

Have you ever prayed this prayer?  As Jesus said, "Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done." Luke 22:42   If things are going well in one’s life then that prayer is easy to say, but when your world is falling apart, it is a difficult prayer to utter because you are ultimately asking the Lord to do whatever He wants to do with your life.  You are giving Him complete control over your circumstances.  It is a tough prayer to pray because you are leaving your entire situation in the Lord's hand.  Which, by the way, is a wonderful place to be, but sometimes our flesh says otherwise. 

Asking for God's will to be done in your life is sometimes hard.

This past Monday morning our home was scheduled to be sold on the courthouse steps (again); in other words, to be foreclosed upon. For many months now, the sale of our home has been postponed month after month after month and we wondered if this time it would be any different.  So we waited for the outcome.  You can read more of my story here at, Are Trials Really Good for Us?

As I sat down that morning for my time with the Lord, I had every intention of  bringing my petitions before Him regarding this urgent matter on our house.  I had plans to ask the Lord to postpone the sale of our house, however, something unusual took place in my prayer life that morning.   

When I was about to write down my petitions in my prayer journal, I stopped.  I could not ask the Lord to allow us to stay in our home.  I sat there with my Bible off to the side and my journal on my lap and all I could hear through my mind was, "Not my will, but Yours be done."  I thought about that prayer and the implications of it.  I knew what I would be praying to God if I uttered those words.  I would be giving Him complete control of my situation.  I would be surrendering all of my fleshy desires along with all my fears to Him.  I was telling Him,  "Have it your way Lord."

While I sat there writing those words I thought is was odd for the Lord to speak to my spirit so clearly about what I should pray.  There is certainly nothing wrong for a believer to bring his requests before God because the Word encourages it!  I’ve done that a thousands times in my life.  "And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him."  1 John 5:15  But this time was different.  It was clearly God’s voice directing me to lay down my desires and let go of the situation.  Put it in God’s hands and let Him do His thing.  I felt compelled to pray for His will to be done in our lives regardless of the outcome because He always knows what is best for us.  So, I prayed, Not my will, but Yours be done.  

When we pray that prayer we are in essence asking the Lord to take our life and let it be His- for the molding, the shaping, the using. 

All for His purpose and for His benefit

To become a vessel for Him

God answered that prayer on Monday and our home was sold that afternoon.  Yesterday, my emotions were all over the place. One minute I knew that God would provide for us and I knew that He had great plans for our lives, but then the next minute I was reminded of my reality. Where do we go from here?  Where will we live and how are we going to survive?  Will we end up living in a homeless shelter? I looked around my home mentally taking in, all that would need to be packed (again) and all that I would need to let go of because where I was going, I could not take it with me.  I stood there thinking, "Perhaps I should have prayed for the Lord to prolong the sale."  I needed to keep my mind on the Lord and His will, not my emotions and the fear that was starting to take over in my mind.  "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in You."  Isaiah 26:3

It is hard to submit to the Lord and surrender to Him.  Sometimes we need to learn to not control things and learn to let God be God and do His job.  We don’t need to micromanage Him and we don’t need to help Him fix our problems.  What God asks of us is for our obedience, our love, our faith and our willingness to be used by Him.

"Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?  "Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Matthew 6:25,26

"Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear? For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you."  Matthew 6:31-33

The word Gentile in this particular passage is referring to an unbeliever.  Jesus is saying that an unbeliever seeks those things.  The unbeliever does not have his eyes on the Lord, he is only seeking to satisfy his flesh.  The Lord further tells us, His children, to seek His kingdom first AND His righteousness and then He will provide us with all we need. 

When we worry we act like unbelievers.  Regardless of our circumstances we need to remember God’s promises…He will provide us with all we need. 

There are now a lot of things in my life that I don’t know. I don’t know when we will receive a notice on our door to get out of our house.  I don’t know how much longer we will have to live here and I don’t know where we will move to.  (Uncertainty can take hold of my spirit if I allow it and I allowed it yesterday) But this is what I do know:

Although I don’t know what my tomorrow holds, what I do know is Who holds my tomorrow.

I can’t tell you what a blessing it was to have had the Holy Spirit breathe that prayer into my heart this past Monday morning.  I am thankful I did not run ahead of Him or that I did not quench His spirit because He has brought me to a place spiritually that I do not believe I would have been at had I prayed a prayer of my own will to be done.

God's will be done, I pray...even if it hurts. Even if it will cost me my own comfort and heartache.

I have peace knowing that God will guide us to the best situation for our family because I have prayed for His will.  Yes, the days are coming when life will become more increasingly difficult.  Times when the Lord will be carrying me through all of this and when dark times rear their ugly heads and bring discouragement to my soul.  Tough decisions will need to be made again and physical exhaustion will fill our days and nights as we prepare to move again.  But through all of this, I can rest in the center of His will.  That’s where God wants us all the time- with Him. (You can read an update of my story here at, Dying to Self...Is It Worth It?)

In His presence is where we will feel loved, cared for, and nurtured.  In His presence we will not see our needs or our desires.  Our fears and our pain are diminished because we are in our Savior’s arms.  Submitting to the plans that He has for our lives will bring us comfort and peace.

A note to my friends: Based on our current situation, I am not sure how much time I will have to devote to writing new posts (articles) in the coming days, but the time I do have to write for my precious Jesus, He has prompted me to write a little bit differently than I have had in my prior posts.  What I have written in the past is my story; you learning about me, the journey the Lord has had me on, and God's faithfulness in all of it.  But now He is guiding me to write to teach and equip you in your journey as you face your own pain, trials, heartaches, and fears so your walk will be strengthened and so you can encourage others.  But beware, you may have to take off your mask. (wink!)  Don't worry, it is not required.

I still have a few more posts to share with you such as, Why God Has Not Called Me to Get a Job and How to Lose Your Dream Home Not Just Once but Twice, however, those posts will have to wait! 

I would love to hear from you as you have sought the Lord's will for your life.  Was it easy?  What was the outcome like?  Did you draw closer to the Lord as a result of it?

His Will is beautiful....it removes our doubts and brings us peace,

God is Bigger than Our Credit Score

So, after my last post on despair and denial of the Lord, I figured I would address another elephant in the room amongst Christians.

I often wonder why we don't share about certain topics because who better to understand our fragility, brokenness, sin, failures, and hard times than another sister in the Lord, after all, they are no different than we are plus we worship the same God.

I once had excellent credit.

Of course we want to be discreet as God-fearing women and we don't want to be complainers but somewhere in the middle of all of that is a place where we should be able to share our struggles, but that's another post.

So here comes the elephant.

In America, the all-powerful credit score has a way of defining us even as Christians.  If we have great credit we have a tendency to think we have arrived at a place of financial success, freedom, or more importantly, stability.  If we have poor credit, then we have the tendency to feel like we will never again be able to purchase something of value, we will have a hard time 'getting ahead in life' and our overall financial outlook can seem depressing until our score is raised.  In a snapshot, our FICO number tells the lender who we are, thus, it does define us to a certain extent.

I have lived a life where I have had both types of credit.  Once, my credit was excellent.  In fact, I used to receive catalogs in the mail for fur coats!  I am not sure how I got on that mailing list because I don't even wear fur coats, not because I have an issue with wearing fur, but because that is just not my style.  Yet, all the while I am receiving these high-end catalogs because of my credit score, I am still shopping at the Dollar Tree.

Then our financial stability came crashing down.  Now, I am all for saving money but you can only save so much. The financial experts say you should have 6 months worth of your expenses in savings in case you lose your job or some other disaster comes your way.  This is a very shrewd principle and one that we followed as best we could.  As believers, God has entrusted us with His resources.  We are managing all that He has given us, so to be good stewards was something that we desired to be.  But sometimes life does not go according to our plans.  “I form the light and create darkness, I make peace and create calamity; I, the LORD, do all these things.”  Isaiah 45:7

But what happens when you have already lived off all of your savings and there is no new income for you to start building your wealth again?  When you are literally living day to day as you seek to provide the basic needs for your family, how do you build your savings again?  Where do you go from here when your score starts to plummet?  What do we cling to?

Having our credit going from excellent to poor was a fearful time for us.  We put a lot of our worth and weight into our credit score.  We were so uptight about not being able to pay our bills and we wondered what was going to happen to us.

My heart sank when I saw the notice.

In the midst of all that worry, shortly we received the dreaded notice that was posted on our door....the one that said our property was going to sale on the courthouse steps on April 4th, 2010.  My dream home, the house that we deemed as 'the land of milk and honey' was no longer going to be our home.  My heart sank when I saw the paper.  I knew it was just a matter of time when we would need to move but it was still hard to experience the reality of our situation.

Now we needed to find a place to rent, but who in their right mind was going to rent to us?  We had bad credit!  Our property was going to be foreclosed upon in a matter of weeks and my husband was self-employed so it wasn't like he could show proof of employment along with pay stubs.  We were high-risk renters.  

I fretted and worried again.  “Fear not for I am with you be not afraid.”  Isaiah 41:10

• Lord, how are we going to find a home?  
• Logically, who would rent to us based on our financial situation?  
• Lord, we only have so much money saved up.  
• How are we going to afford the additional deposit required because of our poor credit?
• Do you know what our credit score is Lord?

"I am bigger than your credit score," He said to me.  “Be still and know that I am God.”  Psalm 47:10

As I look back at this time, it is sad for me to see how I doubted God.  Over and over in my life He has shown me His hand.  Through the months leading up to this time, He literally led me to a doctor where healing and restoration was taking place in my body after so many years of chronic illnesses, (you can read more about that here at, Lord, Why on Earth Would You Allow This? (The Refiner's Fire Part 2)).  He also pulled me out of the pit of despair and denial as He set me back on His path, (and you can read that story here at, Before the Rooster Crows Part 1 and 2.)  Yet, through all of this, I still doubted Him.  I forgot about His faithfulness because I looked at my circumstances.

As I write this I realize I needed to reverse my thinking and it should go something like this: 

I need to look at His faithfulness while He looks at my circumstances.

It’s His nature to care for His sheep because it’s part of His job for being God.

God is in the business of doing miracles, in fact, miracle making is a part of who He is.  It defines Him.   

If God had a job description it would read something like this: 

-Owner and Chief Executive Officer of Making Miracles

-Responsible for doing miracles all day, everyday.  No time off and no vacations.

So, back to my story.  Once again, the Miracle Maker showed up on the scene and within one week of looking for a place to rent, we became renters.  How does that happen?  It happens because of God.

My husband told the Landlord our entire financial story and the Landlord still rented his home to us.  He said, “There’s just something about you guys.”  He further reduced the monthly rent, gave us an extra 2 weeks free and we paid a ridiculously low deposit.  Who does that?  The Miracle Maker had His hand in all of this.

No matter where you live or how much money you make (or don’t make) and regardless of your credit score, none of that defines you.  Christ wants your heart and your complete devotion to Him, and Him alone.  He wants you to rely solely on Him- not your credit score, not your bank account, and not your job.  

God wants to get all the glory all the time.

"Trust in the LORD, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.  Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass."  Psalm 37:3-5

 

I am bigger than your credit score.  ~God

Look to His faithfulness,

Before the Rooster Crows

Have you ever experienced a time in your Christian walk when you just couldn’t sing songs of praise and worship to the Lord?  Or a time when you just couldn’t or you didn’t want to read your Bible?  How about a time when you could not feel God’s presence in your life and all you felt was darkness and despair?  If you have, then you know that those are painful days where life feels hopeless.  I am not a stranger to those days, either.  I experienced a time like that as well and that despair eventually led to an inward denial of my Savior.

Here’s my life once again laid out for all to see and I don’t share this story so you can look at me, but so you can see THE ONE who sent me to share this with you.  God, in His infinite wisdom, has clearly pressed upon my heart to share my struggles, along with the story of my denial of Christ, in hopes that it will encourage you in your own faith.  I hope what is penned here will bring you comfort and encouragement so you can see THE ONE in the midst of your own anguish and pain.

I will never forget the time that this brokenness occurred.  It was right around the time of my spiritual birthday.  I had been saved for 13 years.  In fact, as I write this today it was right around this time 2 years ago when something unusual took place in my walk with Christ.  I felt mentally, emotionally and spiritually different, but I couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong.  I told my husband and my closest friend that I was ‘not right’, but I did not know why.  There were no new storms that were added to my life, just the ones we were currently living through that sent me into spiritual exhaustion and despair. 

For a couple of weeks I was somewhat melancholy and the perspective I had on life was a bit gloomy.  With the new health treatment that I was on, I assumed that my body was trying to adjust, so I figured I was just experiencing a mild depression due to my imbalanced hormones. Soon, I thought I would eventually bounce back to my normal self, but that was not the case.  Eventually I started to become bitter about serving the Lord and I became callous towards reading my Bible, thinking, what was the point?  I was sure I would read something that told me to die to myself and live for Christ, which is what I had been doing for so many years. 

Let me back up a little here in the story.  On July 6, 1996, I gave my heart to the Lord and at that time, I had decided to fully follow Him with an intense passion.  So, what did that look like, you might ask? 

Here were a few things I did: 

• ·     My number one pursuit was to become a disciple of Christ.  I wanted to fully know Jesus and truly have Him as the Lord of my life.  I wanted more than just fire insurance as well.  I was not okay with just merely having Him as my Savior so I would not end up in hell.  I desired the abundant life and the Living Water.
• ·     One decision I made was to have Jesus Christ choose my husband, because the Lord is much smarter than I am. (smile)  Through God’s miraculous Hand, He blessed me with a man that I do not deserve.  I knew before I walked down that aisle on my wedding day that this was a man that I was going to purposefully respect and follow as best as I could, all the days of my life.
• ·       I made the decision to learn to become a Proverbs 31 woman in my marriage and family.
• ·      I was going to purposefully remain in Christ and abide in Him, in other words, I was going to seek Him with all my heart.
• ·       I was going to diligently remain in God’s Word. 
• ·       I was going to faithfully attend church every week, along with attend Bible studies.
• ·       I was going to serve Him with the gifts that He had given to me.
• ·      When we were blessed to have children, I was going to raise them to be warriors for the Lord.  I was going to teach them to use their life for Christ and build His kingdom and I was going to do that as I homeschooled them upon the foundation of the Word of God.

Bottom line: I was going after God and my life was immersed in the things of the Lord.  Who I wanted to became was a God-fearing, Christian woman, wife, and mother.  That was my purpose in life and that was what my life had become after 13 years.

Now, back to 2009.  So what happens to a woman that has pursued all those things for so many years and her faith in Christ is starting to fail and she is now beginning to doubt and deny the existence of the Lord?  Who was I and what did I believe in?  I felt so lost.  Was everything that I pursued a big, fat lie?  Why didn’t God help me?  After all, I was looking to pursue Him and Him alone.  So, where was He in all of this?

When I got saved, my trials started immediately and I had continued living in the storms ever since.  My life before Christ was never as painful as my life was with Christ, yet, of course, what I had with Christ was eternal life and without Him was eternal damnation.  However, thirteen years of pain, heartache, long-suffering, afflictions, persecution, broken relationships, spiritual warfare, etc.  I was done!  I couldn’t take the pain anymore and I was empty inside.  I had no more to pour out and no more to give.  I was becoming indifferent towards my relationship with the Lord.  I did not care about pursuing Him, living for Him and abiding in Him.  I felt that He had abandoned me at my deepest darkest hour and I was forsaken by Him as well.  As the psalmist David cried out, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me? Why are You so far from helping Me, and from the words of My groaning?  O My God, I cry in the daytime, but You do not hear; and in the night season, and am not silent.  Psalm 22:1-2  I, too, felt that same way.  Many times I felt like God was on a vacation while I was crying and curled up in the fetal position.  I went further down into the pit of darkness and I had no strength to continue on in my pursuit of Jesus Christ.  "I am counted with those who go down to the pit; I am like a man who has no strength."  Psalm 88:4  "You have laid me in the lowest pit, in darkness, in the depths."  Psalm 88:6

Before this dark time in my life, I had a deep faith in Christ.  I believed with all my heart that He could move mountains and heal whoever He wanted, whenever He wanted.  When you think that God is going to just miraculously fix the problem overnight and He doesn’t…what does any good, God-fearing, Christian do?  They wait on the Lord and perhaps your problems will be fixed the next day or the next…and so what do you do?  You wait, and wait, and wait.  How much longer Lord must I endure this?  I cry in anger when I don’t hear him and I groan in anguish.

In the days and weeks during the months of June and July of 2009, my despair continued on and as the numbness inside my heart turned towards indifference, my husband realized that this situation was not normal.  One day in particular, I shared with him all that I was experiencing, and as he sat listening, he lifted up his down-trodden head where you could see tears coming down his face from the news that I shared, and he said, “Where is my wife?” and “I don’t know how to help you,” was his response.  I knew what he meant by those words.  It was like I was a different person to him.  Where was the woman who stood so strongly for the Lord with unwavering faith?  Ironically, as I was struggling with my own spiritual issues, as a result of what I shared with my husband, I now became concerned for his walk with the Lord.  Did what I have to say to him bring him to a place that may cause him despair as well?  I felt bad for him because not only was he broken from all of our financial woes but now he had my spiritual issues to deal with as well.  I did not know how to fix my problem either and I now wondered about what was going to happen to our marriage that was built on the Rock.  In an instant I became even angrier towards God.  Where was He in all of this?

I continued to go through the motions of my so-called Christian life with my family, because honestly, I did not know what else to do.  I was still serving the Lord because my husband and I were the ones that started the ministry, so I wasn’t even able to take a break from that.  I felt stuck and trapped, and inside I was dying. 

We still went to church on a weekly basis and I remember one Sunday morning I DID NOT WANT TO GO!  I got in the car just like every other Sunday morning, but this particular Sunday was different.  My beloved husband was asking me all sorts of questions about my relationship with the Lord and what was going through my mind.  I had various emotions raging through me.  I was angry, indifferent, bitter, callous, and I felt forsaken.  I did not want to go to church and sing to a God who did not hear me when I cried to Him.  I did not want to go to church and hear a message of hope when I felt despair.  I DID NOT WANT TO GO!  But since my children were seated in the back of the car, I could not express those thoughts to my husband, (at least I had enough discernment to protect them from what I was going through.)  Logically, I believed the Truth so I did not want to destroy the foundation that I was building for them, yet, in my heart I was no longer trusting in Christ and believing in Him; denial of Him was starting to take root.  He wasn’t in my life.  He left me. "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?  Jeremiah 17:9

So I walked into church and I just stood there during worship, not singing nor praising the Lord.  I turned my mind off to the message that was spoken that morning as well and at the end of the service I left the sanctuary (to run to the bathroom) as our Pastor was giving the closing prayer.  When I came out of the bathroom, I could hear the last worship song being sung and I stood in the foyer of the church alone as I waited for my husband.  As the people walked up the aisles, a complete stranger headed straight for me and honestly, almost tackled me and said, “There you are.”  I did not know her and wondered what she wanted from me.  She asked if she could pray for me.  I was stunned by her question but I said, “sure”.  We walked outside and she prayed a prayer that was SO SPECIFIC you would have thought I told her my entire life story, yet, I did not tell her anything.  Words she used were illness, healing, sickness, provisions, long-suffering, afflictions, strength for a warrior, and then she prayed that I would know and remember that God’s Word says, “He would never leave me nor forsake me.”   Tears came down my face as I heard this prayer that came straight from God.  Afterwards I said, “You obviously have the gift of intercessory prayer and I am sure you know that.”  She said "yes".  I asked her how this prayer came about and then she told me about God’s hand...

She was seated a few rows behind me in church.  Like I said, I did not know her and I also happen to attend a very large church.  Our sanctuary seats over 2,000 people.  As she sat there and waited for the service to begin, the Lord had told her, “that one right there, pray for her.” (He was pointing to me.) “Okay” she said.  But then the Lord said to her, “Get on your knees and pray for her.”  (I can’t help but cry when I type this.)  “Get on my knees?” Oh, Lord, you have never asked me to get on my knees before and pray for someone”, she said.  “Get on your knees,” He said.  Later, she told me she did not obey Him by getting on her knees.  She did not want to have everyone looking at her, so she just prayed for me where she was.  All throughout the service the Lord would prompt her to get on her knees and pray for me.  When the service was ending and after our Pastor gave the closing prayer, she looked up from praying and saw that I was gone.  Her spirit was grieved because she did not obey the Lord, but then as she walked out of the sanctuary she found me.  As she was telling me all of this, she said, “You know, I did not obey the Lord when He told me to get on my knees and pray for you, so I am going to get on my knees now and pray for you again.”   

She, a complete stranger who was sent by God, knelt on the outdoor concrete as she lifted me up to the Lord.  The healing and restoration of my faith was beginning to take place, through this stranger’s prayer.  That morning, God showed me His love for me. He heard all of my cries and saw all of my pain and through all of this, He hoped to make me stronger so He could use me more.

There was a purpose for all my pain and I will share more of the 'why' at my next post, Before the Rooster Crows, Part 2.

This post is linked to Titus 2sday, Moms the Word, Some Girls Website, Good Morning Girls and Women Living Well

My Weakening Faith

Hello friend!

Spiritually speaking this is a difficult post for me to write.  Not because I don't want to share my pain with you but because the words that I have penned here are a reminder of a time in my life when my faith in Christ was starting diminish, and quite frankly, those are not memories that I like to relive.  Gasp!  Did I just say that?  I am a Christian woman and I shouldn't say those things!!!  Well, if you have been reading my blog for any amount of time now you have probably figured out that I am REAL!  I share my feelings and emotions, my failures, my pain and my sin.  My 'life is perfect' mask is NOT on!

Where was my Savior in all of this?

I believe with all my heart that this is a post that needs to be written because I feel there are many Christian women out in the world today who are hurting and they have been crying out to the Lord, and yet, because of their trials and afflictions, their faith is starting to weaken as well.  I pray that this article comes at a time that you need to be encouraged to press on in your faith.

If you missed my last post, Aching Inside, you can read it here because it goes along with this story.

I wish I could write and tell you that the new treatment that I received was easy and I felt great immediately, but that was not the case. In fact, I felt worse rather than better for several weeks on end. During the acupuncture treatments, as the doctor would place the needles in me, she would then hook electricity up to the needles that were in my body because she said my health condition was so severe. (And no, it is not normal to be hooked up to electricity!)

While we were paying hundreds of dollars for this treatment, our home was still in foreclosure and now our utility bills were becoming overdue. The water was almost turned off one morning but we were able to prevent it, however, that same afternoon the power went out in the house and I thought it was because of the rain we were having, but that was not the reason! It was our unpaid, overdue bill.  It was a long night without any light, electricity and heat. My husband felt like a failure once again because of our financial demise and I felt physically worse, yet, I did not want him to see the pain on my face because of how my body was feeling. I was at year 8 of my physical, long-suffering and my beloved husband was only at year 2 of his time in the dry desert, so I wanted to lift him up when he was down rather than the other way around.

Although we were still faithfully following Christ and serving in ministry, I could not help but wonder where my Savior was in all of this? I knew He brought me to this new doctor but now I was filled will doubt and confusion based on how I felt physically along with our lack of money. I couldn’t help but wonder if we made the right choice? Did I hear Him correctly? I believed so at the time. "For God is not the author of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints." 1 Corinthians 14:33  We continued on in my treatment and had blind faith that I would be physically restored regardless of how grim our situation looked.

I knew to just rest in Christ and be faithful, but our life looked so bleak that I started to look around at all of the storm clouds that were surrounding us. How were we going to survive, I thought? “You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.” Isaiah 26:3 Unfortunately, I did not keep my mind on Jesus and therefore, I did not have peace which ultimately weakened my faith.  (It breaks my heart to write those words because this situation took place in the year of 2009, and being that it is 2 years later, I am obviously aware of the outcome!)  I feared our outcome when I shouldn’t have. "Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows." Matthew 10:31

Even though my beloved was a real estate broker, he took any odd job that came his way so he could provide for us. We never knew how much money we were going to receive on a daily basis so we just had to live day by day, relying on the Lord for our sustenance.  Soon, God blessed my beloved with the opportunity to work at my doctor’s office to install counter tops, paint cabinets and do various tasks in trade for a couple months’ worth of my treatment. Once again, there was no reason for me to fear and doubt what God was doing in our lives. He was providing for us.

"Cast your burden on the LORD, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved." Psalm 55:22 As God calls His children ‘the righteous’, unfortunately, this righteous person was starting to be moved (and in the wrong direction!) I was trying to cast my burdens on Him but I was so physically, mentally and emotionally overwhelmed in all of our trials and pain.  May faith was beginning to weaken and I was heading into a time of dark despair and denial of Christ.  (I will share about that in my next post at Before the Rooster Crows)

If there is anything I can say to help prevent a sister from heading down the path that I was once on, it would  be this:
Do the best you can to keep your eyes on Jesus because He is with you. He has a plan for all that you are going through. Don’t doubt what He is doing in your life. He knows how much you are suffering and He will help you get through it!  Continue to stay in His Word.  Be in fellowship and be prayed for!

I don’t know your trials or your pain. Perhaps He is refining you. "I have refined you, but not as silver is refined. Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering." Isaiah 48:10

I will leave you with this beautiful story called, Refining Silver by an unknown author. It ministered to my heart so much that I just had to share it with you!

Refining Silver

Some time ago, a few ladies met in a certain city to read the scriptures, and make them the subject of conversation. While reading the third chapter of Malachi they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse: "And He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." One lady's opinion was that is was intended to convey the view of the sanctifying influence of the grace of Christ. Then she proposed to visit a silversmith and report to them what he said on the subject.

She went accordingly and without telling the object of her errand, begged to know the process of refining silver, which he fully described to her.

"But Sir" she said, "do you sit while the work of refining is going on?" "Oh, yes, madam," replied the silversmith; "I must sit with my eye steadily fixed on the furnace, for if the time necessary for refining be exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured."

The lady at once saw the beauty, and comfort too, of the expression, "He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

Christ sees it needful to put His children into a furnace; His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for them. Their trials do not come at random; "the very hairs of your head are all numbered."

As the lady was leaving the shop, the silversmith called her back, and said he had forgotten to mention that the only way that he knows when the process of purifying is complete is when he sees his own image reflected in the silver....

--Author Unknown

Keep your eyes on Jesus!

Doubting Easter

I would have to admit that there have been many times in my life that I, too, have been like Doubting Thomas!

The other disciples therefore said to him, "We have seen the Lord." So he (Thomas) said to them, "Unless I see in His hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe." And after eight days His disciples were again inside, and Thomas with them. Jesus came, the doors being shut, and stood in the midst, and said, "Peace to you!" Then He said to Thomas, "Reach your finger here, and look at My hands; and reach your hand here, and put it into My side. Do not be unbelieving, but believing." And Thomas answered and said to Him, "My Lord and my God!" Jesus said to him, "Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."  John 20:26-29

Please take the time to watch this short video.  I know it will minister to you and encourage you.  

Pass it on to others that need to hear the message as well.

It is so easy to doubt.  The enemy loves to put questions in our minds.  When things are tough and hard, we second-guess ourselves and the decisions that we have made.  Pray for faith and put your trust in the Lord even when things don't make sense.

May we all have faith like the Centurion:

And Jesus said to him, "I will come and heal him." The centurion answered and said, "Lord, I am not worthy that You should come under my roof. But only speak a word, and my servant will be healed. "For I also am a man under authority, having soldiers under me. And I say to this one, 'Go,' and he goes; and to another, 'Come,' and he comes; and to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it."  When Jesus heard it, He marveled, and said to those who followed, "Assuredly, I say to you, I have not found such great faith, not even in Israel!  Matthew 8:-10

So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.  Romans 10:17

You are blessed because you have not seen, yet, you believe!  

Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."

Spread the message of Hope that Easter brings,