Her Children Rise Up and Call Her Stressed

Those were not the words that I longed to hear from my children a few weeks ago, yet, based on how I acted, it certainly was a possibility!

Stressed was an understatement.  HI hollered at my kids.  Not only did I yell at them but I also slammed the kitchen cupboard doors and drawers as I went about my business of purging and packing the home.  I was angry and I wanted to pull my hair out.  I exploded.

The enemy, knowing full well of my past, got a foothold of me that morning.

The Lord convicted my heart.  Daughter, your actions are not of Me.  They are of your flesh and not My Spirit.

I know Lord.  Forgive me. 

“Boys, will you forgive Mommy?  I am sorry for yelling and screaming at you.” 

“I was being nasty and Jesus does not want me to act this way.  He wants me to trust in Him even in the midst of moving again.” 

“This is the path that He has us on and He knows we can go through this.” 

“He does not want us to rely on our own strengths but instead, rely on Him” 

“I am sorry for treating you bad, will you forgive me?”

“It’s okay Mommy, I forgive you”, said my gentle and sensitive Noah.

“I forgive you Mommy.  Will you forgive me too for not doing what you asked and not helping you?”  My strong-willed, Seth replied.

My heart melted.

They are learning. 

I am learning. 

My action of rage was not what a God-fearing, Christian woman should be displaying towards her children (or anyone else for that matter).

I still have much to overcome based on my past.

(Deep sign) Oh, my past...A home filled with rage.  A home where I walked on eggshells.  A home where I was afraid to have a messy room because of the repercussions.  I was frightened by one of my parents and tried to avoid them at all costs.  Belts were used in anger.  Plastic baseball bats were used as the parent sat lying in wait to use on young children.  With a boiling temper, books and glass figurines were thrown at us.  Of course we were blamed for all of the problems.  

Note: I have since forgiven my parents for their actions. They did not have the biblical understanding nor the God-fearing wisdom needed when they raised me.  They did the best they could and I am thankful for their sacrifice. 

However, just because of what I experienced as a child, that does not give me license to sin towards my children when I parent them.  (Although I am sure Oprah would enjoy me sitting on her couch letting the world know how I was wronged as a kid like the rest of the world!)  Sometimes we need to learn to let go of our past and take responsibility for our own actions and selfish behaviors and stop blaming our upbringing.  Yes, my upbringing certainly made an impact on me but the Word of God is very clear…

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”  2 Corinthians 5:17

God, the ‘Great I Am’ has made a bigger impact on my life than the impact that my parents made on me.

It is who I am in Christ that defines me.  Not my upbringing. 

I have become new and I needed to learn to change my old ways.  “Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 3:13, 14

I wanted to parent my children in a way that was pleasing to the Lord.  I made changes and learned some patience and self-control (and I am still learning it!) “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.”  Galatians 5:22, 23

I don’t want my boys to remember this time in our lives as a difficult time where their mother was relying more on herself rather than resting in Christ.  “Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”  Isaiah 40:30, 31

I don’t need to be angry, Anxious and Overwhelmed on this journey, I just need to keep my eyes on the Lord and do my best to remain in Him; in His Spirit… not my flesh.  "I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.  John 15:5

When I am in the flesh… is when I become stressed.

When I take on too much… then I become stressed.

When I take on other roles… then I become stressed.

When things are outside of my control, (and I want to control it)… then I become stressed.

Even if I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker and I am about to explode... I need to learn to be still.

Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!  The LORD of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah  Psalm 46:10, 11 

 

I do not want to be yelling at my children while I’m telling them that Jesus loves them!  That doesn’t work, it gives them mixed messages.

“I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.”  Galatians 5:16, 17

In His presence there is no stress… only His strength.  

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”  Psalm 46:1

That is where I want to be all the time so one day I will hear,  “Her children rise up and called her blessed.”  Proverbs 31:28

Here's some tips to remove the stress in your life:

• Be in God's Word.  Be in God's Word. Be in God's Word.
• Be in prayer.
• Worship the Lord.
• Be in fellowship.
• Don't take on too many responsibilities.  Keep life simple.
• Eat chocolate! (smile.)

Yes, our children will emulate us…the good and the bad.  Will they become stressed too?

As parents, our main job is to take our children to THE PERFECT PARENT, God Himself.  But we can’t do that if we don’t go to the Lord ourselves.

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Not All Mothers and Daughters Get Along Part 2

Welcome back.  If you missed part 1 of this post you can find it here at, Not All Mothers and Daughters Get Along.

I will never forget that day.  The day when my mom hurled insults and made accusations towards me and my husband.  I was not hurt at the time, I was ANGRY!  How dare she say those things.  Well, I was ready to fight, again... and momma taught me best!  But now I was saved and my heart was to be the light and show my mom how wonderful life could be with Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior.   So I made the decision to pray instead of fight. (So, for all you fighters out there, that is generally a much better decision.)  During this fit of rage as my mom is screaming at me (at the mall and now in the parking lot; I decided it was best to cut our shopping trip short!) I prayed.  I specifically asked the Lord to give me His words to defend the Biblical upbringing that my son was receiving and the Godly marriage He blessed me with.  This is what He said, "Keep your mouth shut."  What? I said to myself.  What do you mean Lord?  I should be defending what the Bible has to say and the reasons for our decisions.  Again, I kept praying for the words, but He gave me none and quite frankly I was bent out of shape about that!  I did not understand why the Lord did not come by my side and speak through me.

As I drove her home, she made a piercing statement, "Jolene, where do you find all these losers."  She stabbed me in the heart with her words.  My Savior, My King and My God handpicked my husband specifically for me.  The 'Great I Am' gave me a gift that I was (and still am) so undeserving of.  "I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine."  Song of Solomon 6:3  I gently said to her, "You need to stop speaking."  There was silence in the car.  

I was at a defining moment with my relationship with mom and these were the scriptures that went through my mind, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."  Genesis 2:24   "And let the wife see that she respects her husband."  Eph. 5:33  I had a choice to make.  Choice #1- the easy choice.  I can pretend that what my mother said was no big deal.  In time, those hurtful things would get swept under the rug because after all, that's how things generally happened with my family, plus, our relationship would stay intact.  Choice #2- the hard choice.  A threat was made that my son could be taken away from me.  On top of that was the complete disregard for my husband, our beliefs, and the way we wanted to raise our son in the Lord. 

Spiritually and mentally it was a no-brainer.  I was going with Choice #2.  Why would  anyone allow someone in darkness make decisions on behalf of a family who lives in the light?  One word:  Emotions.  I did not want to lose my mom, but neither did I want to live in fear over that fact that I might lose my son based on some false accusations, nor was I willing to have my mom 's opinions of darkness come between my husband and I.  In a moment it was like I was being asked to take sides.  Either I stand with my mom so I could continue to have a relationship with her or stand with my husband and the promises in God's Word.  Well, I am 'one' with my husband so there were no sides to take on this one, plus, I am a daughter of the King.  I would be lying to you if I said it wasn't painful to stand on those Biblical precepts and truths, but it was right. The tears came down my face immediately.  The relationship that we finally had was now torn apart.  "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?"  2 Cor. 6:14

As I dropped her off, I let her know that I loved her but I could not have her threaten my family, attack my husband and our decisions, nor could she insult him.  I had drawn the line and I had established boundaries.  I was hoping she would be respectful of them...she was not.  The relationship was gone and I cried myself to sleep for many, many nights.

Now, do you remember earlier in the story when I prayed to the Lord to give me the words to say to my mother?  And He told me to keep my mouth shut? Here's why.  About a week or two after the incident, I got a phone call from one of my brother's saying he heard that mom and I got in a fight.  I smiled to myself and I thought about when the Lord told me to shut my mouth.  Here was my response.  "I did not get in a fight with mom.  Mom was the one who did all the fighting and yelling." Because I heeded the words of the Lord, I did not get into a heated argument with her.  I did not feel convicted by how I conducted myself.  I had peace, which was the by-product of obedience.  Oh, if only I could be obedient more often!


Although I established boundaries for my family, unfortunately my mom was not willing to respect them.  I soon gave birth to my second son and I have to admit, I was really heartbroken over the fact that  she was no longer in my life.  My boys did not go to grandma and grandpa's house to play, even though they lived within walking distance from my house.  We did not attend family gatherings nor were they at birthday parties and celebrations for my children. 

I often prayed to the Lord for restoration.  He had me write letters to her even when I did not want to.  Soon she became ill and I visited her, bringing flowers and such.  She informed me then, that she did not want to see me if she could not see my children, yet, she was unwilling to be respectful of the way I was raising my family.  I knew how the manipulation worked.  I was raised in it and therefore I would not allow her to undermine all that God was doing in my life, my marriage and in the life of my children.  

I would see me Dad often but he walked out of my life about a year later on Christmas Eve.  I then turned to my husband with tears coming down my face saying, "My biological parents left me and now my adoptive ones have too." 

Days, months, and years went by.  I would call on holidays, and her birthdays and asked her if she had a change in heart and the answer was always no.  My brothers would then get on the phone and attack me and my spiritual beliefs and then I would eventually hang up in tears.  


I paid a price to follow Jesus Christ, but Christ paid a price for me as well.  My mom is not the enemy in this story, Satan is.  "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.  Ephesians 6:12  


Because I am God's child, "I know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.  Romans 8:28  I clung to that verse for 5 years and on my youngest child's 5th birthday, God restoration my relationship with my mom and she met my son for the first time.

Perhaps you don't have the best relationship with your mom, please know that I feel your hurt and pain . In fact, as I sit here typing these words tears are rolling down my face.  You are not alone.  Your Father in Heaven will bring you comfort, peace and healing.  Show your mom the love of the Father as best you can.  Continue to pray for her and your relationship.  Remain hopeful that God will touch her heart.  "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."  Romans 12:2

Not All Mothers and Daughters Get Along

For a couple hours now I have been wrestling with the Lord about writing this post...in fact, if you could take a peak inside my heart you could see me pleading with Him about how I am not ready to show some of my scars and how I don't want to be vulnerable and transparent to people that I am afraid to let in.   

I cry out to Him, You are asking me to share a lot.  I am not ready to let down some of my walls.  I don't have the courage to open up to complete strangers.  They will criticize me and reject me, I say to Him.  But my Lord asked me, "Daughter, if you could reach just one woman and minister to her and encourage her or affirm her for My sake, would you be willing to share your scars with her?  Of course, Lord.  Like the words from Isaiah, "Here I am, send me."  Isaiah 6:8  So, I submit to His will and not my own.

For all those daughters out there that do not have the best relationship with their moms, this is written to help you know that you are not alone in your pain and suffering.  The Lord knows all that we need in order to cling to Him and to become more like Him.  He cares about your tears and what you have been through.  For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."  Hebrews 13:5

So here's my story.  I was adopted at birth into a family that already had 3 biological sons of their own.  (My biological parents were 26 and 29 yrs. old when they gave me up for adoption.) I grew up knowing I was adopted and I was told that I was chosen and special, yet, I did not feel like I ever fit in.  For some reason I was never really close to my mom and I am not sure why.  My insecurities developed at a very young age.  I did not have many friends at school and those I did have later rejected me and I was left to myself each afternoon on the playground.  I felt unwanted again.  Because of much hurt, the anger in me quickly became a part of who I was.  Kids called me, "Mean Jolene" (that still hurts to hear it to this day!) and of course that added to my pain and created even more hostility in me.  I lashed out in my anger when I was just in the third grade as I was sent to the Principal's Office for fist fighting!  Of course over the years I put up more walls to protect myself and more pain became my friend, whether it was being sexually molested as a child or just feeling unwanted in my own home. 

Then my teen years came.  I never felt that I could please my mom or measure up to her standards, so I stopped trying and I became indifferent and I sought to receive love somewhere else.  Later I had a boy who said he loved me; oh how he broke my heart, again.  More scars and more walls were added along with more bad choices that left me so broken that I wanted to take my own life.  Later as I got older, I lived a life where I denied the existence of God and boy, those sure were some dark years.

Then  I met Jesus Christ.  My Hero showed up on the scene and saved not only the day, but my life as well.

"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons (& daughters) through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will--to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves." Ephesians 1:4-6 (my paraphrase)

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9

Shortly after I became saved I decided to move back in with my parents so I could be the 'light' and be a witness to them.  Unfortunately, they were not open to my new found faith.  One day in particular I remember sharing with my mom how I asked Jesus to come into my heart, forgive me of my sins and be the Lord of my life.
My mom's response:, "You have just matured, that's all."  I was perplexed by her words.  I thought maybe she did not understand what I said or she did not hear me so I repeated myself.
Her response again was, "You have just matured."  Now, I was not okay with her denying my transformation and denying what God had done in my life, so my old self of being 'Mean-Jolene' came alive, and I fiercely repeated myself for the third time!
Her response, "No, you have just matured, that's all."
In that moment I was saddened by the fact that she had discounted what I had to say and what was taking place in my life, but what she was really doing was rejecting my Savior.  "Remember the word that I said to you, 'A servant is not greater than his master.' If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you." John 15:20

About a year later I was getting married to a wonderful man that God chose specifically for me.  My parents did not approve of my husband-to-be, nor did they approve of my faith and the church we were getting married in, which is still the church we attend to this day.  Mom and I continued to be at odds.  Of course they were invited to my wedding and I hoped they would come but I informed them that in 4 weeks I would be getting married whether they attended or not.  (I did not know if my dad would be walking me down the aisle until the night of the rehearsal when they happened to show up.)
"Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword.  "For I have come to 'set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law'; "and 'a man's enemies will be those of his own household.'  Matthew 10:34-36

We moved forward in our relationship.  She was respectful of my faith and my marriage.  Within a year of  my wedding, I became pregnant with my firstborn and mom and I became so close.  It was wonderful and she was a fabulous grandma!  I continued to pray for hers and my extended family's salvation.  A year later I became pregnant again.  
  
Now comes the part in the movie when the music goes bad...really, really bad.  I am going to leave you with a cliff-hanger.  Below are some words that my mother vehemently spewed out to me one afternoon when I was 7 months pregnant.  (Shortly after what was said to me I went into pre-term labor.)

Mom:  "Jolene, if I ever see you spank your child again I am going to call Child Protective Services."

Mom:  "Because you are going to homeschool your children they are going to be withdrawn, socially retarded and they are going to end up in prison." 

Mom:  "Jolene, where do you find these losers"?  (she was referring to my beloved Solomon; my husband Eric.)

Those were some fightin' words and I was ready for a throw-down! By the way, this is all taking place at a Mall!

Let me leave you with this,  "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. " Romans 3:23

I will continue the rest of the story in, Not All Mothers and Daughters Get Along Part 2.